Embracing The Bad Days

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One heck of a day I am having, beginning with powerful emotions surging from a very rough weekend of spouse in a strange mood-itis.  I’m so sensitive that it always hits me hard and takes me a while to recover, and he seems to react to my moods the same way, so we ride  nice big waves around here.  Some days I just chalk the whole mess up to our passionate Italian heritage.  Other days, I realize we are far more alike and sensitive than I had ever imagined.

It started with going to bed too late, which always sets me up for mood swings.  Then there was the fact that it was the first day of his huge successfulness in a brand new arena of career wins and the gifts and basking therein, and suddenly not only was I tired and emotionally worn, but I was hit head on with loss.  My choices, my sacrifices, my stubborn insistence on putting my child first before myself, and the endless windows of opportunities lost were all slamming me in the head.

Top that with reading a metaphysical book written by a woman who looked more like a man from a Victorian generation, about ego and serving others, with every reference to God in the masculine and suddenly I was having an internal war between my empowered, pissed off inner goddess and my good little conservative baptist inner child.  I set myself up with staring at my own failure at everything and wondering whether this spiritual path I had chosen was a big mistake.  Yup, I was a big, fat, lazy, inept, ungrateful failure.  Even this blog I was so excited about sucked.  My writing sucked.  I had no friends.  I felt fat, ugly, old, and opposite of fabulous.

While retching up my existential misery in successive Facebook status updates, I was making tortellini for my son and burned my arm on the pan.  Great.  I may as well just ensure my misery today and eat sugar and fat, too.  So I did.  Apparently, I like to go down with a big, hideous splat and then ricochet with a dramatic comeback.  Did I mention there was thunder and lightening and a brief power outage as well?

I have surrendered fully to this misery inasmuch as I know how.  Today, there is nowhere to go that is of any interest to me.   I want to hide my fat body in my too small for me apartment.  I’m in my own way and have no idea how to get out of it.  I’m so pissed that I don’t even care.  Every solution has a problem with it, why it won’t work, and a price that’s more than I want to pay.  Even no solution has a price, but right now it’s where I am and it still costs less than the calculations I’ve done on my standby fantasy of running away.  Nowhere with no solution.

I imagine you have a load of advice for me, and so do a ton of other people, and it’s all varied, some excellent, some peppered with spiritual cliche, and some empathetic, some not.  The problem is that none of it will help.  Did you know that it actually makes it worse?  The hardest thing for most people to do is to simply hold space and witness someone else’s brilliant process.  The best place for me to be is where I am, miserable, burned, regretful, frustrated, angry, jealous, grieving, and afraid.  I’ve learned it’s a good place to be and that the very best thing I can do is to love exactly where I am because the fertilizer down here is the richest thing happening.

Each individual has unfathomable wisdom and resource inside, and our egos don’t like to admit that someone may know what’s good for themselves better than we do, and we certainly don’t like to see the messiness that reminds us of our own “failing”.  When I rise, you can be certain I’ll be carrying some diamonds of wisdom, and that the simmering desires I’ve been sitting on will explode into a firework of new creations.

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30 Responses to “Embracing The Bad Days”

  1. dawnmarie Says:

    I have no advice….only sending peace and love.
    There is always something to be grateful for – – even in a tumultous day like what you had. Keep applying aloe on the burn. xx

    Like

  2. karina Says:

    Oh I am sitting here smiling because you are so hot and so smart. You are a beautiful, intellectual Goddess. You hold magnificence
    and the key to such.
    Karina

    Like

  3. silentrecovery Says:

    You did exactly what you needed to do…..surrender to the moment. Been there many times and know there will still be days like this.
    Eileen

    Like

  4. eliza sue Says:

    I love you Oceana! xoxo

    Like

  5. Oceana Says:

    Oh, Eliza Sue, thank you for blessing me with your super power!!!! xoxoxoxo

    Like

  6. Nicole Oxendine Says:

    Yes! Beautiful, rich, alive truth. Thank you. ❤

    Like

  7. Andrew Says:

    Welcome to the adventure of being a writer! You get to love this stuff twice — once as it happens, and again as you record it in your writing. Never easy, always worthwhile.

    I’ve been blogging for four years now, daily ish for a year, and all I can say is – go! Go! Go! Sometimes the encouragement shows up, sometimes it doesn’t. Overnight success takes years of prior effort. Remember that the bad dys are equally fuel for the writing life as the good ones. Ultimately the persistent are the successful.

    Like

  8. Oceana Says:

    Thanks Andrew…we’ll see if I can be persistent enough…I appreciate the encouragement!

    Like

  9. Mary Portner Says:

    Blessings on you and your honesty. Not only do we not like the world and ourselves when we need to wallow in pitiful emotions, it is nearly impossible to articulate them as clearly as you have. Thank you for describing your emotional muck and mire – looks like the swamp I visit when I feel “sucky” about myself. What beauty and wisdom emerges when you (we) persevere!!!

    Like

  10. Marc Israel Says:

    Thank you Oceana. I am filled with Gratitude to witness your process!

    Like

  11. Oceana Says:

    This was so much fun to write, Marc. I’m glad you appreciate it!

    Like

  12. Deborah Miles Says:

    Oceana, I know exactly what you mean. I get upset with my life sometimes, I’ll say I’m 60, feel 40, what happened, where did it go? I didn’t get to do this or that, then I remember I chose this life before I was born and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. My husband always says why don’t you get out and go somewhere? Well, first I have no friends to go with, my husband is my best friend and I don’t like shopping alone. Plus, I like my home and my animals. My dog is afraid of the friendly ghosts in our house and I feel bad leaving her sometimes, but sometimes I don’t. She is my dog, I love her, so if she needs me I am here. Don’t get me wrong, we leave the house on the weekends and am joining another gym, so I try to stay active. But, I understand the part of being mad at oneself, we have to feel the bad along with the good. I am mostly positive, but once in a while I cry and say why. I used to get mad because I couldn’t let my hair go gray and look like you, LOL, so I finally excepted that fact and mix vanilla with my red and gray and I still look fabulous. LOL Anyway, I know how you feel and you are right no one can make you feel better, its like it has to wear off by itself. Then you say ok, I’m ready now. Love you Oceana!

    Like

  13. Oceana Says:

    I just adore you, Deborah! What beauty in your sharing…really. I’m kind of breathless with awe at the tenderness and sweetness of you.
    Thank you for your gorgeous transparency and love. You are so special. xo

    Like

  14. Alex Says:

    hmmm… I think I could have written that too. I’m going through much of the same -this is eerie!
    sending you lots of xoxox

    Like

    • Oceana Says:

      Awww, honey….I’m glad to know this. It seems like many people are going through some intensity right now, from what I’ve been seeing. Sending you so much love! xoxoxoxo

      Like

  15. Harold Aldrich Says:

    Oceana, I appreciated both the authenticity and the clarity of this guided tour of your fertilizer factory! Thanks for that, and thanks too for the reminder of the ebbs and flows of being human…. how bland and boring would life on earth be without them? Blessings!

    Like

    • Oceana Says:

      I love that, Harold! Fertilizer factory!!! So great…
      It’s my pleasure, really, to purge and proliferate whatever’s up to be expressed. Thank you for reading and sharing!

      Like

  16. Lily Says:

    Your words offer so much encouragement to me, each and every day. Reading your honesty of today helped me know I am not alone in days like these. Sending love and energy to you.
    Lily

    Like

    • Oceana Says:

      I’m so glad to hear that you find encouragement from what I share. Thanks for letting me know, Lily!
      You are never alone…love to you…xo

      Like

  17. jaguar Says:

    Authenticity is the new enlightenment. All power to you Goddess! And Great Love too xxj

    Like

  18. Denise Bailey Says:

    I so agree with feeling your way through it. The only way out of it is through it, I’ve heard. A few nights ago, I had one of my great cries, just let it all come up and out. I did not want to call anyone and hear any sound bites. I wanted to cry – hard and long. I slept well that night. The next day I felt great. Thanks for reminding us that it’s ALL rich.

    Like

    • Oceana Says:

      Ahhhh….I feel better with you! How cathartic and how right on, to take such exquisite care of yourself, knowing exactly what you needed. xo

      Like

  19. a gypsy priestess Says:

    Thank you, wise sistar. Your post has utterly inspired me, and awakened the truth of my inner goddess in a way that I have been long awaiting. Kisses.

    Like

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