Unlovable, Ugly, and Surely Bad


Sometimes, I’m afraid to really let you see me, because I’m so flawed it’s ridiculous.  Somewhere along the line, I was thoroughly convinced that I was bad to the core, that noone could possibly love me, and that I had to do some pretty fancy footwork to make sure noone would find out.  After all, if anyone knew, they’d hate me and want me killed.

Where does a child go from there?  No matter how hard a parent tries, there will be messaging a child receives that’s bound to wound their psyche in some way.  Children are each unique, and they absorb messages we don’t even say out loud.  You could have four children and one family event of emotional charge, and each child will internalize it differently.

My own childhood was rich with uncertainty, fighting, anger, a good dose of poverty, and plenty of emotional abuse.  The flip side was some pretty awesome love, an absolutely gorgeous location, organic food, scholarships for voice lessons, some incredible adventures, and the freedom to explore and play to my heart’s content.  I’ve heard of far more terrifying childhoods than mine, and far more privileged ones as well.  Not one of us comes out unscathed.

Regardless of the decades of work I’ve done on myself, the personal growth workshops, deep transformational work, spiritual practices, and therapy, there will always be that voice inside.  It doesn’t go away as we assume it will if we work hard enough.  The truth is that it’s a part of us, and accepting this is actually a way to make peace with it.  The difference, I think, is whether we’re victimized by our internal predatory voice or empowered by it.

We can become skilled at distinguishing this voice, putting it aside or using it’s energy to generate a new message.  When I notice that I’m afraid people hate me because I’m shining too much, it’s a big red light that I need to breathe and listen.  That’s when I assess what I’m really afraid of, and give myself the talk.  It goes like this:  “Oceana, that’s your scared little girl.  She is trying to protect you and keep you safe. It’s time to reassure her that she’s safe, and that for you to do your job of helping other women feel confident enough to shine, you must allow yourself to shine.  It’s your dharma.  Go for it.”

I encourage you to create your own pep talk for those moments when your inner child is having a hard time.  I’d love to help you with this.  I offer introductory sessions for women who are exhausted with the way things are, want to feel empowered and passionate again, and want to go for their dreams but need some support and a skilled spiritual coach to guide them.  Just go HERE and follow the directions, and we’ll have you shining brighter than you ever have before…

Goddess Oceana




Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

29 Responses to “Unlovable, Ugly, and Surely Bad”

  1. susanneericsson Says:

    You are so wonderful, Oceana! Thank you for sharing!
    Love and light, Susanne


  2. Angie Hottentots-Laurel Says:

    I had a horrible self esteem when I was a little girl, and even today I struggle with it even though I have done a lot to improve.

    Thanks so much for posting this, Oceana. 🙂


  3. Debra Says:

    A great post! Many people internalize things differently – a matter of perspective. Siblings can come from the same family yet choose very different paths. We must choose our own path. Love the concept of the “pep talk” It makes one stronger! Thank Oceana!


  4. Holly Says:

    Wow, if that was just you trying harder to be more open and honest and let us see into who you really are, that was great! I’m sorry you struggle but you write beautifully, so add something else positive to your list of great qualities!


  5. Oceana Says:

    Thank, Debra! So true, right? I hear totally different stories about childhoods from siblings in the same family all the time. It really confirms that we all have different perceiving lenses we peer through, and that a parent can only do their best and know that the rest is up for interpretation. 🙂


  6. Peggy Says:

    Wow! This just triggered a significant learning for me.

    My biggest challenging with stepping out here in the online space is my lack of comfort with the visibility. Like you, I know I must break through in order to help those I’m here to help, but it’s way outside my comfort zone…

    I just realized this morning that I was able to survive childhood with less physical pain, because I DID stay invisible. When I became noticed: I became a target… This is not just holding me back in my work; but also many of my personal decisions.

    Thank you Oceana..


    • Oceana Says:

      Peggy, your sharing here moves me so much. Thank you for sharing the process here…so affirming for me and heartwarming to know that my vulnerability made a difference. Heartfelt thanks…


  7. Luck Fawyers Says:

    I love you. 🙂


  8. sleeplessinnewcastle Says:

    Hi Oceana,
    I went through some pretty bad and awful situations through my childhood and struggled with self esteem when I had Binge Eating Disorder and I have started to blog, like you, in an honest and open manner and I have found it has made people feel what I experienced and understand where I am coming from but also where I am going in the future and where I am now.


    • Oceana Says:

      Hi Sleeplessinnewcastle…thanks for this. I think blogging can indeed be healing for both the writer and the readers. What a gift, yes?


  9. eliza Says:

    I love the way you shine Oceana!! Great article!! I find the best results using Byron Katie’s method of inquiry to question and turn around those stories that are so deeply ingrained. It helps me to accept them as stories. It helps me to be understanding of the attachment that I had or have to them. Their power lessons. I have experienced that some seem to be gone, at least until they are not. I say that as a back-up just in case those that seem to be gone, resurface. I used to fight them and try to reprogram with real gusto! But this method works to reprogram without a fight or much effort, for me. I feel very blessed to have discovered it. Recently, I was at a graduation party. There was a person there who had hurt me as a child for years and I was not triggered at all. It was amazing


    • Oceana Says:

      Oh yes, gorgeous goddess! The Work is amazing, and works incredibly well. Thanks for that reminder. There are so many tools and the key, I think, is to try them until one resonates and brings self love. You are amazing.


  10. eliza Says:

    I do not know what “their power lessons” was supposed to be. My curser kept on moving around in the text as I was typing.


  11. eliza Says:

    Oh, the power of them lessons! That is where I was going 🙂


  12. Arwen Says:

    Enjoyed this. It resonates with my own “Seek joy, y’all” in that you advocate be active about this. I think that’s the key right there. 😀


  13. Renee Sullivan Says:

    Thank you for this post. I have felt this way too, and I also have to have pep talks with myself when it happens. Like you mentioned, these thoughts tend to surface at times, and you just have to go back to your affirmations to get yourself back on track.

    It is nice to know that I’m not the only one who has to give herself pep talks every once in a while.


  14. Arwen Says:

    This resonates for me, Oceana. I posted it on my FB this morning and from the comments and sharing, I think it resonated with many. Thank you for keeping it authentic!


  15. Arwen Says:

    Snort. Apparently I am also repetitive. Sorry! 😀


  16. silentrecovery Says:

    I have two other siblings. We def perceive things differently. I had a wonderful childhood. Loved my parents dearly. My older brother would always tell me when I was younger that I was stupid. I carried this with me my whole life. I even instilled in my children not to use the word because it was so hurtful. Just a year ago at my age I called my brother out on it when we were having a conversation about my situation. I told him being called stupid by him has made me, even when my silence was broken, to feel stupid still in his eyes. He told me he was only kidding with me but he apologized. I suffer from low self-esteem and know I hold myself back from truly projecting myself.I know in my heart I help other women but I still hold myself back thinking there will be some who think I’m just “stupid”. A work in progress. I try everyday to shine in hopes it helps someone even though that word still goes off in my head. Thank you for this post. Loved it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: