Convenient Bed Partners or Personal Power


There seems to be an almost unspoken attitude that monogamy is old, worn out, and unworthy.  For so many poly folks, monogamy is considered downright out of integrity, assuming that if one is in a monogamous relationship, there must be lies going on.  It’s inconceivable that two people could be thoroughly happy with relating to the myriad sides of each other’s rich soul rather than being “open” and in integrity with many partners, “up front”.

 While it’s true that monogamy can be a poor choice for someone who isn’t honest with themselves about commitment, and who is dishonest with their partner, I feel it’s too easy to point to disloyalty in relationships as the reason to have open relationships.  Digging deeper into one’s psychology, one’s spirit, and one’s current relationship can reap a transformation that I feel is unique to the fire that monogamy can build. 

I’ve often said that a committed relationship between two people is one of the most powerful cauldrons for personal growth that exists.  It is certainly not for the faint of heart!  The disservice lies in the fairytales we’re told as children, that once the ring is on, everyone lives happily ever after.  It would be more accurate to say that everyone lives ecstatically ever after, as in the ecstasy of all ranges of emotion, tribulation, drama, defeat, surrender, self actualization, vulnerability, and more.

The purpose of this article is not to point fingers at any particular lifestyle as better than, or wrong, but rather to shed light on the value of a committed partnership wherein each person is owning their stuff, is willing to be accountable to their commitments, is surrendering to the fire of healing a lifetime of wounds in the fire of deep love no matter how hard it gets and no matter how badly their ego wants out.  It’s not only the most challenging crucible to lay one’s internal process on, but it’s also one of the most rewarding.

I’m all for a good fight, as long as it doesn’t contain abuse of any kind.  The arguments of monogamy, if tended to with responsibility and a remembrance of the underlying commitment, can be the fastest route to digging up an old wound ripe to be healed.  We can find ourselves in the heat of it, fairly miserable and despairing, sick to be done with it, and raging with reaction to something that is not even present in the dynamic.  Most of the time, in a conscious partnership, the thing we end up railing against is not the truth in the present moment, but rather a perception we hold through a lens of old wound.  Our partner, if we are sincere and transparent, can be the healer.  That bears repeating.  Our partner can be our healer.

It’s all too easy to dismiss old values as worn out in a culture that doesn’t honor the elders.  We haven’t been taught to respect the wisdom of an elder, but have been brainwashed to worship new youth culture in our insane rush to fill the void of spiritual loss that our society suffers from.  A worthwhile endeavor might be to revisit the values of our ancestors and consider carefully what age-old wisdom lives therein.  To be with one person is to be with another person, for we are all one.  Running from one to the next is, in my opinion, similar to dumping a whole lot of precious spiritual resource into an emotional landfill.  We’re already creating a mess with our disposable material possessions, and the way we treat relationships seems to reflect that value as well. 

Rather than throw it away, I have personally chosen to be committed to look with new eyes at my beloved.  Owning my projections, sourcing my own content, and actually practicing the love I wish to see in my life have been some of the tools I’ve used to keep my word.  Our commitments are only as powerful as the intention we hold them with, the promises we keep, and the willingness to work to build on the spiritual power that lies inherent in each one of us.  Our words create our reality, and if we keep our word it becomes so powerful that we can manifest anything.  We could even manifest the most brilliant relationship between two people that ever existed, just because we say so.


4 Responses to “Convenient Bed Partners or Personal Power”

  1. Crowing Crone Joss Says:

    well said. It’s one of those topics that people respond to with a wealth of emotions, of all types. Obviously the key is to have both parties committed so that the ecstasy of being each other’s healer can be the thread that binds, so to speak.


  2. Oceana Says:

    Beautifully said, Joss. Often I think back to Carlos Casteneda’s writings where he is with his petty tyrant. There’s a wealth of reflection to be had there.
    It is optimal to have both parties committed to this experience, which is why I use the term “conscious relationship”. It may also be possible where only one partner is conscious, though, depending on how enlightened they are. It may take longer. 🙂
    I often ask myself, if one is love in service and time is an illusion, of what use is the thought pattern that seems so relevant to many that tells us we have this one precious life? We have eternity, and isn’t the spiritual value we’re practicing
    of more importance and worth than our concept of time slipping away, and that urgency that it imposes?


  3. resully Says:

    Very good insight Oceana. What resonated most with me is that if we are sincere and transparent, our partners can be the healers. I believe this wholeheartedly.


  4. Oceana Says:

    It’s so true, Renee. One of the most prominent teachings in neotantra focuses on teaching techniques that allow one to give and receive healing with a partner, and the results are profound. Glad you liked this article!


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