Why Do You Do Everything The Hard Way?

easy way hard way

My husband pointed out to me the other day that he felt I always did things the hard way.  We were discussing where we were in our lives and brainstorming new ways of creating together.  I decided to interview him on what exactly it was he felt I was making more difficult and how he thought it could be done differently.

Apparently, he felt staying up every night to make organic baby food for our son when he was tiny was the hard way.  He was so right.  It didn’t last more than two months, and I was a hot mess of mommy misery.  He thought starting my own business was harder than working for someone else.  Right again, but I reminded him that some things are fueled by a fire too big to put out. The list goes on and he’s right on all of it I imagine, and yet when the picture is broken down, and one can see the humanity in the details, my hard way makes sense. At least to me it does.

Some deep introspection on these claims led me to some startling discoveries.  I have been digging into the bottom for a few years now, and  have begun to locate fear.  Now, as a woman who likes to do things the hard way, I didn’t just locate fear and let it go.  I needed to know where that fear came from, who was responsible for it, and how I could ensure its eradication.  I wanted to pummel that sucker to its obliterated end, from which it could never, ever rear its battered head again.  I had to process that fear with ten brands of blender, pulverize it with a steel bat, and drown it somewhere in the infinite bowels of hell.

As you can imagine, the program I laid out would’ve taken an eternity.  It would have been the hard way, yes?  Fortunately for me and everyone who has to interact with me, I discovered that all of this wasn’t necessary. I found that I could express that I was afraid to someone safe.  I could say I was afraid of failing, of not being enough, of not living up to the world’s endless opinions of what a mother should be, afraid of losing another dream, afraid of not being needed or wanted, afraid of being forgotten or easily replaced, afraid of being out of control, afraid of so very many things.

Miracle of miracles, the fear began to melt away, and in it’s place is a refreshing new attitude of “I don’t give a shit”.  Now, this isn’t always optimal, but it sure is a great segway into locating the middle path of “I care and I choose”.  It’s not a linear process, either, and there are no absolutes.  Sometimes it’s a mix of many attitudes, combined to make a new one.  Mostly, it’s a feeling in my body that I’m learning to heed more often, along with movement, breathing, and then holding fear’s hand and yanking it into the unknown with me, kicking and screaming.

So tell me, do you do anything the hard way?  And what are you afraid of?  I would love to be your safe place.

~Oceana LeBlanc is a relationship and intimacy expert, tantra facilitator, and shaman.

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6 Responses to “Why Do You Do Everything The Hard Way?”

  1. Jeff Mere Says:

    Oceana, GREAT post! I’m coming to you from the UBC and this is the first time I’ve read your blog. You are straight forward and I like that. This topic hit right at home for me as my wife and I just began working together daily in our own business and I made that statement to her that “she does everything the hard way!” Immediate defense of course but I think I will point her in this direction; the fact that fear is the culprit could in fact be the answer. GREAT ARTICLE!

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    • Oceana Says:

      Thanks so much, Jeff, for an enthusiastic yes! In sharing your experience, it has me wondering if this could also be a male/female thing, that it appears to men that women do things the hard way. A generalization, I know, but I’m going to examine it. 🙂

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  2. Deb Dutilh Says:

    Brilliant article, Oceana, and I can relate as a woman who has lived in several countries, followed her heart and dreams and been accused by more than one of doing things the hard way. The more conservative well-meaning friends wonder “why I keep doing this to myself?” I have yet to figure out what the “this” is as I am often fueled by that fire in my belly, too. And at the same time, your question is provocative and intriguing. Do we sometimes do things the hard way out of fear? It’s one I think about, too. Thanks for sharing your insights!

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  3. Oceana Says:

    As I read your response, Deb, what comes to mind is the heroine’s journey. As a woman’s empowerment facilitator, I find that women tend to have a more blended, circular approach. We can appear to be doing something completely out of order, and it can seem like it’s harder. What has come up for me since I wrote this article is that yes, there is an underlying fear, and that woven into this seeming winding path to our destination is a whole lot of research. I think that when we look at the end result if we are willing to look with fresh eyes, we may find that the path we took was even more perfect than if we’d planned it meticulously. 🙂

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    • Deb Dutilh Says:

      That’s very interesting, Oceana. I am wired to do things my way and to be honest, don’t really even know what a safe harbor feels like most of the time. I moved to London from France, then from London back to Los Angeles,all on my own, which provoked the concerns from my friend. The path has not always felt peaceful in that it has been one of personal research and searching.

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