Archive for the ‘Intimacy’ Category

Burnout and Saying No

January 4, 2018
yes no confusion
Are you confused about what is an obligation, what’s a necessity,  and how to up your self care mode?
You’re not alone!  I’ve received questions from clients who are sincerely working on self care and clearing their lives of extraneous obligations in order to heal burnout. Some are single moms who can’t afford to take a month and go to a resort for recovery.
I’m writing this for those of you who have trouble figuring out what to say no to, in order to come back to yourself and ground into your truth and health again.
Let’s do this with lists, because it helps to organize your boundaries on paper where you can clearly see what you’re saying yes to, what’s a no, and where that line really is.  When it comes to self care, I think the first step is in making a list of absolute priorities. Income to eat and pay the bills is a number one priority, because without that we starve and are homeless.  So that goes on the list.
Next, look at what else must happen for your survival and add those items.   When we have a hard time drawing boundaries around what we say yes to, we can sometimes get fuzzy in our thinking about what’s a priority.  I know I have had to work at discerning priorities from other things.  In the world of obligations, survival is the one and only measure of  what you’ll be putting on this list.
Once you get really clear on what you must do,  make another list of what you “should” do…like maybe you feel you should do all the dishes at home or no one else will do them. Or you should fold everyone’s laundry because you can’t stand it when theirs isn’t folded.
Stuff like that is not survival stuff.   It’s more a matter of not setting a boundary around where you deserve the respect and honoring of your time, or where you create more work for yourself because you’re feeling out of control if others aren’t doing things the way you want them done.  In this list, you’ll be using your calm, loving indoor voice with clear  and simple directions for those around you, according to their age and abilities.
For example, folding someone else’s laundry eats into your rest and rejuvenation time. Looking at their messy piles might also stress you out. What you need is to brainstorm solutions.
An example of a solution would be to tell them you need more time for rest, and will not be folding their laundry. You also know that you do not want piles where you can see them.  Tell them this is important for your serenity, and that they can stuff the clothes under their bed for all you care, but your boundary is that clean laundry is put where you do not have to look at it while you’re healing from burnout.
When my son was little, a solution would have been to stop folding altogether and get him a dirty basket and a clean basket.  It’s really okay to let laundry sit unfolded if your health and sanity need attention.
I know this is a simple example, but if you can apply that to the list of things you are doing that can be delegated, you can take those “to do’s” off your plate. There are a million things we, as women, think we should be doing that aren’t necessary to survival.
Basically, it’s more a matter of taking anything off of your own plate that you’ve been doing that eats into time you could be resting or enjoying yourself.  Either decide it can wait a month, or that someone else can do it, and then brainstorm how.
Take an hour or two and really do this whole list making exercise, because that investment of time up front will be the steel floor on which you build your self care.
For me, grocery shopping became a big time suck out of my down time from my business. So I explained to my husband that I needed support around not having to do that for a while, possibly from now on. He had some great suggestions, goddess bless him! Now, I text him a list and he picks stuff up on his way home from work. For bulk items, I found out that there are online subscription sites where you can choose items you want shipped automatically, and can even specify how often. I also changed the day that I do the major grocery shopping to the weekend so that my husband and son bring everything in and help me put it away. I have less stress all around. I still get basic groceries, but am not doing it all myself and it’s a much easier haul.
Another simple solution was hampers in every bedroom.   I told my family I’d put loads into the washer and dryer, but folding and putting away was their job. The new order was that if the clothes were not next to the washer, I’d no longer go on the detective mission in their rooms to look for them. I now spend a fraction of the time on laundry.
Also, my particular burnout took the form of thyroid problems. My family members are night owls and I’m a morning person, and I could never get sleep when they were awake.  We sat down and brainstormed solutions together.  Now,  I announce I’m going to bed, they put on their headphones with any media, they keep their voices to a whisper, and they don’t turn lights on in my room.   I bought earplugs and an eye mask. I sleep now and they honor that. I was able to heal my hypothyroid without medication because of my willingness to honor my needs and speak my truth.
Let’s say you’re burned out and it’s truly time to take care of yourself.  You really need to start from the ground up and create a new platform or foundation for your health and well-being.  Here’s a metaphor that might help you create those boundaries…
When you begin to say no to anyone asking you to do things that are above and beyond survival, it’s like taking everything out of your closet except one outfit that’s your basic, great-fitting, comfortable one. From there, you keep saying no to anything that doesn’t fit beautifully, or that isn’t the exactly color you’re loving, or is anything that anyone else thinks you “should” wear that you really don’t love or feel good in.
You’re clearing your closet of life with lists and discernment, feeling in your body what is a yes and what is a no. You’re doing what you need to do to breathe, eat, have a roof, but you’re saying no to anything extra that’s not in your absolute pleasure.
After that, you’ll find you have a set point to go back to, and you’ll begin to have sharper vision for what is a yes in your life, and what is a no.
~Goddess Oceana

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All Those Lonely Men

December 15, 2017

lonely man

 

“This is for all the lonely people.”
I saw an elderly woman in a waiting room the other day. She was having a great time chatting everyone up. At first, people were giving her the side-eye, wondering if she was normal or a bit crazy, talking to all those strangers as if she were there friend.
Soon, though, one person began to warm up to her and responded, and they started talking. Others looked curious.
After a while, everyone was smiling and relaxing more in their chairs.
The scenario struck me as familiar in how I tend to move through the world, fortunate to have been raised by a mother who treated everyone as if they were her children. She was outgoing and friendly, and really didn’t think anything of talking to people around her. With that role model ( and often included in the conversations as a child) I find that I am the same way.


During this holiday season, it saddens me to think of so many who have no one to celebrate with, or who are experiencing such deep loss or suffering that the celebrations around them only seem to compound the loneliness.


I heard yesterday from Dr. Christiane Northrup who was doing a video, that men are 4% more likely to commit suicide, and 50% of men do not have a single close friend to talk to (from the Mask of Masculinity by Louis Howes).

It was quite shocking to me, that number.  I began to think about how much easier it seems for many women to create community around themselves, with that gatherer mentality. So I’m wanting to encourage men to reach out if they’re feeling isolated.
I have the honor of men writing to me, in my line of work, who are sincerely expressing their feelings and transparently tell me of their struggles. I feel especially humbled that they courageously risk and reach out, in a culture that does not encourage emotional transparency in males.
I opened my work to men recently, because although women’s empowerment has been my focus, I now realize that my original purpose of healing the feminine does not preclude men, but includes the feminine in all of us.
This morning, I’m thinking about how all of us, men and women, can stretch a little further into reaching out with caring and sensitivity to others during the holidays.
After all, we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Would love to hear from you in the comments.  What are some ways that you reach out or don’t reach out, and

~ Goddess Oceana

www.GoddessOceana.com

https://www.facebook.com/GoddessOceana/

Stuck in a Rut of Depression

December 8, 2017

rut

Someone recently said to me that she wanted to “transcend the mundane” and felt she was stuck in a rut of old, unhealthy patterns and dysfunction.  I thought about times when I was stuck and how it used to play out for me, and how it plays out now that I have almost forty years of deep personal work under my belt.

There’s a very clear difference.  Thirty-eight years ago, I knew I was at cause, but didn’t have the tools or skills necessary to understand the nuances of how to pull myself out, other than affirmations and an image board, journaling, and self-blame.  Way back then, I wasn’t as clear about how to distinguish being at cause about my entire reality versus being to blame for my entire reality.

So blaming myself when I couldn’t figure out how to make things better was my recourse, and it would spiral into the most excruciating depression, hopelessness, and longing to just make the pain stop…even fantasizing about and then attempting suicide.

Somehow my will to keep learning and persevering on the path of various transformational modalities began to pay off, and I got better at finding strategies to get myself aligned again.  The greatest learning about depression for me was to own my anger, my rage, my upset, and master how to express my boundaries in a safe and grounded way.  Once I began to express my anger by making requests of others that honored my newly discovered boundaries, I stopped turning my anger towards myself.

This took time, practice, and mistakes.  I failed a lot, and then learned from the failures.  I made a little progress each time.  Life began to improve, and as I stopped making other people’s wants far more important than my needs, I became a happier person. That’s one small  example of how I overcame a debilitating rut.

The various skills I’ve learned over the years I’ve tested repeatedly, and I continue to acquire more.  Mostly, I’ve come to realize that I love to learn, and so I honor that by diving into learning whatever it is I find fascinating.  It just so happens that all of it is in the realm of spirituality, transformation, psychology, relationship, sexuality, and esoteric studies.

The ruts I see my clients stuck in most often are the ruts of people-pleasing, not keeping their word (a basic tenet for becoming more powerful is to keep your word), a habit of putting other people first and getting lost in overwhelm, and or finding an old pattern of behavior they’re stuck in and not getting the energy healing necessary to break free from it.  These are all ways in which we sabotage ourselves, especially as women.

The good news is that self-love is the super vitamin that can make all healing possible, and it improves our lives dramatically.  And so I start there, with daily practices that infuse self-love and self-worth that begin to lift a person immediately from whatever rut they’re in.  Then we get into some nitty gritty pattern shifts and healing work.

Whatever rut you’re in, begin with self-love.  You can start by telling yourself that you love you very much, each and every day.  It can be that simple.  Let that love into your heart and feel it wrap around you like a soft, warm blanket.  Do it often and out loud.

Here’s to Loving You,

Goddess Oceana

Message me to schedule a fifteen minute call to find out how to work with me to live a happier, more fulfilling life.  I help women connect deeply to their inner spiritual guidance and become the sensual, powerful goddess they were meant to be while co-creating their deepest desires with the universe.

Email me:  Oceana@GoddessOceana.com

 

 

Would Anyone Miss You?

December 7, 2017

thoughtful-things-to-do-for-someone-with-migraines-720We all wonder who, if anyone, might miss us if we disappeared from the earth one day.  At least, I’ve pondered this.  But I don’t think I’m all that unique, because as human beings we all want to know that we matter, right?

So I was thinking about this today as I was thinking about you.  It occurred to me that when you don’t hear from me, you don’t message me to complain about it.  And that tells me something really important: that you’re not getting as much out of what I offer as I would like you to receive.

Why do I care?  Because I’m only here for a little bit longer, on this dirtball spinning around in the cosmos, a speck with a teensy life span in the huge picture of it all.  And it’s important to me to at least offer something back for this immense, magnificent gift called a lifetime.  I want, I need, I desire, I yearn to leave you with something more than having taken up space.

I’m thinking that we all want that in some way, and that we could do this together, this making a difference thing.  My joy is to inspire others and have a blast doing so.  I love it when someone is lit up and goes out to spread some love in the world, out of something I wrote or a conversation we had.

Today, I’m starting a New Year’s Resolution several weeks early.  I want you to miss me when I don’t show up.  I think that can happen if I share more of myself with you, and inspire you in some way to do that in your life.

If you stop to think about who might miss you if you weren’t present or forgot to write your blog entry, or missed the party, what one thing do you bring that noone else brings?

What is your gift of presence in the world?  What is unique to you that either lights up a room, or has others feeling especially loved or heart, or has them swooning from the taste of your special cookies?

And to answer these questions, I think you have to really reach a bit deeper and find what lights YOU up.  Because I guarantee that if you are honestly following your bliss in this world, then that bliss overflows and becomes the gift you bring better than anyone else.

Who would miss you, and what can you begin doing today that ensures you give that unique gift every single day for the rest of your life, like you really mean it?

Live your gifts out loud,

Goddess Oceana

 

A Pleasure Practice Tidbit That’s Not Frivolous

August 14, 2017
decadent pleasure137812198
Do you have any idea how important pleasure is?
I feel like a broken record sometimes, repeating myself about pleasure and how women absolutely must receive it on a daily basis.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame anyone for not understanding this concept immediately.  Our whole culture teaches us that pleasure is a frivolous pastime, and that only hard workers get theirs.
And guess who made this falsity up?  You got it, the patriarchy.  I’m not going to get all political on you, but I am going to be completely honest with you.  The masculine way is to power through things, but sweetest goddess, we are not men!
We’re women, divine and radiant, soft and curvy, emotive and passionate and vibrating with the power of Shakti, the Feminine Principle of God, Who absolutely demands pleasure in order for us to create.
Have I got your attention?  Oh good, because I’m on a mission here to wake you up, show you some new things, and hopefully to deposit you smack into the epicenter of your sacred power.
Today, have I ever got a new practice tool for you!
If you’re up for it, take some pleasure into every single day of your life.  It doesn’t matter where you start, either with a favorite food or a full out orgasm, and anything in between, but just please do it.
Take the time to savor receiving that pleasure deeply into your whole body, your psyche, your aura.  Let it engulf you, infuse you, introduce you to what you’re missing and what you need like you need air.
I hope to hear back from you that you’ve discovered something, and that you’re taking on these introductory tips I’m sending out regularly.
I’m having a blast ramping up to open registration for the upcoming brand new course I’ve created, Divine Feminine Sensual Power Online Course.
Registration opens soon!  To make sure you’re on the list to receive first notice, please  subscribe to my newsletter at www.goddessoceana.com.
Written With the Utmost Pleasure  ~Goddess Oceana

Pleasured

February 18, 2016

bubble-bath

Do you make time for pleasure in your life?

Recently I ran a short, five day challenge for women to immerse themselves in various kinds of pleasure.  It’s strange to think that simply generating some pleasurable activities in one’s life could be such a big undertaking, wrought with resistance and avoidance.

Five straight days is more than most people can muster up a daily act of pleasure. To my surprise, about fifteen women out of almost a hundred really went for it and reported their exuberant findings as well as their struggles with it.  I didn’t expect so many heartfelt, transparent, gorgeous descriptions of what they were facing, and was so impressed.

I’ve been practicing pleasure, studying about pleasure, and teaching pleasure in various forms over the years, and what I’ve come to learn is that our culture simply does not value it.  This fact alone can stop some women cold.  Some of the struggles in the pleasure challenge were feeling guilty, too busy serving others, and difficulty finding time alone to do something pleasurable in their hectic days.

A very few participants were already practicing infusing pleasure into their lives as a way to heal and nurture themselves. Women were sharing all of the ways they found pleasure in life, ways they created more, and desires for even more.  It was such a gorgeous thing to see women sharing and learning something so simple, yet so powerful.

There were deep realizations about how focusing on pleasure brought so much awareness of even more pleasure they’d never noticed.  Vibrancy, deserving, worth, and even profound joy unfolded.  New ideas, enthusiasm and even recipes for pleasure were shared.

I have no intention of closing this amazing group.  With women joining daily, asking me what it is and how they can participate,  we’ll continue to focus on pleasure.  We’ll encourage each other to keep up the important work of enjoying life, honoring our bodies, reveling in our femininity, and opening to receiving more abundance. I’m convinced that the gateway of gratitude is primed by pleasure.

~Goddess Oceana

How can you join the Goddess Pleasure Challenge group?  Follow this LINK and ask to join.

Sensual Empowerment Goddess | Tantric Yogini | Shamaness Unlock the 7 Goddess Secrets every woman NEEDS

 

 

Speechless During Sex?

January 18, 2016

84818c9124bbd3d4aba2bd9f0f685ad4

Let’s get down to business, shall we?

Your pleasure plays a huge role in how empowered you are.  My mission is to teach you how to be a goddess, and goddesses are powerful.  One of the myriad teachings I share is how to live a pleasure-filled life, bask in sensuality, and enjoy the incredible benefits that come from such a badass lifestyle.

Before I became an empowered goddess, I was a shy, mute, lovely and good girl.  Unskilled and inexperienced sexually, I naively hoped for the best and mostly got the worst.  In those days, the only information available was in the few books we could find on the subject, magazines, and word of mouth.  All of it was sadly lacking, and we were hugely misinformed.

A big part of my awakening sexually happened when I discovered vibrators.  It changed my life.  Suddenly I was feeling things I hadn’t known I could feel.  In short, self pleasure became the key to understanding my body and in showing my lover what worked for me.  Years later, I became a sex educator for a well-known toy consultancy, and one of the themes we found most beneficial for women was teaching them that self pleasure is the key, in fact, to all women’s success in having optimal pleasure with lovers.

Many types of empowerment and sexuality trainings  later, what emerged was another aha… the absolute necessity of certain types of communication in bed.  Yes, we hear it and read it everywhere, but I have an idea that not everyone actually practices it.  Nor do they know how.

Here are a couple of tips on successful pleasuring communication:

  • Practice speaking up every time something feels good with describing exactly when and what, even if you don’t feel confident in doing so at first.  (Practice, practice, practice).
  • If something is not to your liking, instead of just laying a complaint on your partner, keep the passion flowing by first saying what did feel good or what you do like about them or what they’re doing, and follow with requesting what you want more of or  want different.
  • Keep breathing.  Holding your breath (which many do unconsciously when they’re revved up) constricts energy, inhibits communication, and freezes the response.  Just remember to breathe, and if you notice you stopped, start again with slower, longer breaths.  Short, shallow breath can also shorten orgasm.  Long, conscious breathing prolongs pleasure. Breathing can also be a way of communicating.  Even if we don’t realize it, we sense so much from another’s breathing patterns.
  • If all else fails, ask your lover to receive, and show them what you like by touching them they way you wish to be touched, kissed, or stroked.

Speaking up in bed can be so scary for some women, especially if past abuse or trauma is present.  Be gentle with yourself and start slowly, and celebrate every successful communication, no matter how small it may seem.  One tiny step at a time, over time, will reap huge rewards, I promise.

Juicy Goddess Blessings,

Goddess Oceana

Sensual Empowerment Goddess | Tantric Yogini | Shamaness Unlock the 7 Goddess Secrets every woman NEEDS

 

True Love Terror

December 14, 2015

ripping heart

Women tell me about how much they want to have great relationships all the time.  There are articles all over the internet about how to find the man of your dreams and keep him, how to have a better marriage, and how to deepen the intimacy with your lover.

Many women talk about what their partner is or isn’t doing that’s making them unhappy.  They speak of the dream relationship they want, and they spend tons of time trying to figure out what they’re doing wrong, or what makes their man tick.  They contort themselves into emotional pretzels fretting about the other woman, or about how they can get their man to treat them the way they want to be treated.

This article isn’t going to tell you the answers to any of it right now, because I think I’ve stumbled on the one thing that no one is talking about.  This one thing is at the absolute core of all of this commotion.

You see, no one comes to me describing the terrifying act of opening their heart to a man fully and completely, allowing themselves to be so utterly vulnerable that they stop trying to attack him covertly in an attempt to control him so they can feel safer.

The one thing not many women are talking about is how terrifying it is to be deeply in love.  Because, I tell you in all truth, it is fucking scary.  It’s scary to think that this one man could leave you grief-stricken in his absence, your heart ripped apart and bleeding.

How can I be so sure of this?  Because even after twenty-five years with a rock solid guy, I found myself facing the deepest level of intimacy I’ve ever experienced.

I’d been training myself in vulnerability, the deepest surrender, setting ego aside, and putting our love first and foremost.  I don’t do things halfway, and I wanted the very best marriage I could imagine.  The nature of my work as a mentor insists that I live what I teach.  So, I wouldn’t be satisfied until I had plummeted into the depths of my man’s heart and felt a complete union of souls.

In order to do this, I had to drop every single barrier to intimacy I had acquired in my life, from trying to control him, to hiding my traces of shame, to allowing him to be right when he was right, to being willing to be wrong in order to put love first…the list goes on.  In essence, I had to stop emasculating him, even in the most subtle ways that were almost unconscious.

What happened next took my breath away.  Unexpected, incredible, magnificent love showed up.

When I trusted him completely, and told my core truth without unconsciously trying to hurt him first to make myself feel safe, he responded with love.  In trusting him first, he lived up to my trust and beyond.

Today, I found myself in tears expressing my worst fears to my beloved, all wrapped up in my profound love.  In allowing myself to be absolutely raw in my transparency, I experienced terror.  For the first time in my life, I was face to face with the terror of the deepest love I had allowed myself to surrender to a man in this lifetime.

And so I say to you, what’s underneath all of those challenges you’re facing in your relationship is most likely terror at what it may mean to love fully, completely, openly, and without a safety net.

What if you give your whole heart, your tender vulnerability, your whole life to this man, and one day you wake up and he’s no longer there?  What if you’re both elderly and he goes first?  What if you give up cutting him down at the knees with criticism and complaining, and instead get curious about what makes a man tick?

What if you surrender, throw up the white flag, and allow him to deeply love you…and trust him to catch you when you stumble?

~Goddess Oceana

Sensual Empowerment Goddess | Tantric Yogini | Shamaness Unlock the 7 Goddess Secrets every woman NEEDS

A Woman Is No Idiot

December 8, 2015

Something happens to a woman when she is betrayed or rejected by someone she openly trusts and lets in very close.
If she does not have the skills or tools to recover, she tends to isolate, withdraw, and become wary after a while, of anyone trying to come in close.
Wounded, she unconsciously puts those dearest and closest through their paces over and over again, continuing to test their loyalty to guard fervently against further soul terrorism.
If she’s wise, she receives the gifts from her pain, and places shrewd guardians at the door of her soul who demand the heights of pre-earned trust for entry into her orb.
Earned trust is easy to discern as she learns to trust herself.
She becomes stealthy underneath her silken curves.
She paces herself, firmly rooted in her worth.
She honors herself first.

A woman is no idiot.
A woman is a creator of beauty in all things.
A woman will give until her last breath unless she is betrayed.
A woman bestows life and a woman magnifies splendor.
A woman‘s attention is rapturous.
A woman‘s wrath is chaos embodied, destroying and feeding the fires of transformation.
A woman is born, dies, and is reborn a thousand times a day.
A woman can live lifetimes into one look, ignite journeys of the heart with a single touch, and can move mountains with her pleasure.

~Goddess Oceana

 

Sensual Empowerment Goddess | Tantric Yogini | Shamaness Unlock the 7 Goddess Secrets every woman NEEDS

Be A Goddessly Intender

December 7, 2015

magicwand

 

People ask me what living like a goddess looks like. There’s no simple answer. It can be the smallest, most subtle change in an intention that makes all the difference in the world.

When I mentor women into bringing out their inner goddess, living life like a goddess, and being an embodied goddess, we practice many tools over time until they become second nature. One of these tools is the power of intention.

It’s a shift of mind that can completely alchemize any situation, turn the tide on the outcome of the day, and even make a meal an absolutely healing experience.

Working with intention is one of the most powerful spiritual moves we have as human beings.

Intention is a silent form of mental focus that imprints the invisible field of creation with a recipe for manifestation of whatever we desire.

What that means simply, is that when we focus a clearly articulated idea of what we want, it sends waves of information out into the quantum field of energy we’re a part of, and that energy has the sole purpose of following information waves.

Setting an intention is potent magic, the kind that a goddess can easily use to create wonderful things.

Next time you’re focused on someone and wondering what you can do to elicit something good, set an intention to focus on the good things you see about them rather than the negative. What we focus on grows, and intention can ramp that up tremendously.

Go ahead and grant someone their humanity today by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Find something to love about them. Doubt that their intentions are bad.

Assume their intentions are good.

See what happens.

 

Let me know how it goes. I love hearing from you!

 

Blissings and Blessings,

Goddess Oceana

Sensual Empowerment Goddess | Tantric Yogini | Shamaness Unlock the 7 Goddess Secrets every woman NEEDS

 


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