Archive for the ‘Sacred Sexuality’ Category

Menopause For The Clueless Like Me

June 30, 2012

Had to chime in on this one, gals.  If you look at the symptoms of menopause and bipolar disorder side by side, they are almost identical.  I was having memory loss, and tremendous mood swings two years ago.  First, I started seeing a therapist, thinking I was losing it.  After a few months, he confirmed that I was not in fact, mentally ill, but suggested I strive to slow down with the flood of topics I talked about in conversation because he felt I was a genius and that it might help people to catch up.  Thanks for the compliment, but now what?  He hadn’t helped me figure out the scourge of symptoms With which I’d had been afflicted.  (My conversations improved dramatically, however).

Upon seeing my gynecologist, I was relieved in a way to find out that I was in menopause, and received some excellent information about how to cope.  My gyno is a much older guy, and uses his well hidden intuition along with a stunning history of good medicine.  I love him because he isn’t afraid to tell me to use black cohosh for hot flashes, and he was the first doctor who didn’t have to look up a rare autoimmune issue I have when I became a new patient.  This is a rare find these days, so I’m keeping him.

Perimenopause leading into menopause is a process that can take ten years to traverse and possibly more.  I know, I was stunned when I first learned this tidbit.  It’s unreal, yes?  There are so many symptoms, and challenges that women have that they don’t realize are menopause related.  Facilitating a red tent for the last five years, I’ve learned a lot about this and encounter many women who are experiencing these things, some more than others, and some great insights into the various ways that women cope.

One of the things that’s helped me come to terms with menopause is slowing down a bit.  I haven’t been overloading my schedule as much and I’ve learned to take time out for myself.  Sleep is crucial, and yet I find myself up at 3 a.m., wide awake.  It can be maddening.  I’ve begun to make the best of it and embrace that time as my quiet time to catch up on a book, some writing, or take time to meditate.  It’s the perfect hushed atmosphere in which to contemplate and make peace with my past, and consider what’s next.

Some women recommend a year of going inward.  In our hectic lives with kids and careers, we don’t always have that prerogative, but in place of that we can take small self care breaks.  I wrote a whole article about this on my blog, inspired by something written by Clarissa Pinkola Estes about women and our bone deep need for recharging our souls.  Taking a year of solitude was an ancient practice.  I sure wish I had the luxury of going to a cabin by myself, turning inward and making peace with my life now that I’m 52 and the shift towards elder is taking place inside of me.  Meanwhile, since it’s not an option, I am finding bits of time to be alone, and as a homeschooling mom, this is quite a feat.

 What can we do to navigate this completely messy, unpredictable, confusingly unforewarned time of our lives?  Walking is good for us, taking high quality supplements, herbal and homeopathic remedies, rescue remedy for stressful situations, whatever stress relieving practices work for you…cutting out too much caffeine, times of solitude, and especially keeping a small notepad for notes.  A very dear friend almost a year ahead of me advised me to write everything down.  Everything.  Words disappear even as they are making their way to my tongue.  They mysteriously interchange, and sometimes I sound like I’m on a psychedelic drug trip as my memory, my intuition, and my inner work collide outwardly in a sentence that no one understands but me.  In fact, we are on a trip of huge proportions…a journey into holding our power as wiser elders, a pregnancy of a lifetime of wisdom giving birth to itself.  Menopause is the time to begin to learn to honor this body journey for real or else.

In Crones Don’t Whine, Jean Shinoda Bolen writes “Crones trust what they know in their bones.” They don’t bend the truth to please others, and they are far less influenced by the opinions of others than they were when young.”  This is common knowledge to many women my age.  With the onset of hormonal flux and deep transformation, we have little patience left for giving away the precious moments of our time left on earth.  Mortality kicks us in the teeth in the wee hours as some of us experience waking from sleep in full blown, bodily panic attacks.  We are slowly  shifting towards resting on the bleachers to watch with a wry smile as the younger crowd goes about their dramatic learnings.  We have some darn good wisdom when they come sauntering over, sweaty and exhausted, inquisitive, sometimes wounded and finally willing to listen.  The demands of those intent on swaying us into the next new thing, or giving us ultimatums on what they deem time-sensitive decisions is easily brushed off like a gnat as we solidly plant ourselves in our own good timing.

The conversations that show up in our faces when we’d rather be enjoying the scenery are more easily met with a simple, direct, honest request for some quiet.  We inadvertently offend those who don’t honor our truth, and in doing so we don’t waste time feeling guilty.  We’re glad to have weeded out who can stand in the face of our power and love us there.  After all, the ones left standing are the ones who will actually show up to lend a hand when we’re too decrepit to carry our own groceries someday soon enough.

Goddess Oceana

http://www.goddessoceana.com

http://www.menopausegoddessblog.com/

http://www.alisastarkweather.com

http://susunweed.com/

Women Who Run With The Wolves

Wisdom of Menopause

Tips To Wake Up Your Relationship

June 29, 2012

These are some tips off the tippy top of my head this morning that will spice things up.  You can do these alone or enroll the help of friends, or you can forget about it and keep complaining that you’re bored, neglected, angry, resentful, whatever your gig is.  I have no attachment but I would like you to thoroughly feel your feelings first before trying any of these.  Feel them full out.  Trying to repress and deny them out of a sense of being good isn’t going to work, as it will only sublimate the emotions and they’ll end up coming out sideways later.  Instead, have your feelings in a safe, supportive environment, and then when you are fresh and ready to give something a try, give these tips a shot.

  1. Get naked and massage yourself all over with your favorite lotion or body oil.       Make sure it’s something that smells delicious and take your time, enjoying every stroke.  You may wonder how this will wake up your relationship since it’s about you.  That’s the key, though.  This is about waking up your relationship to yourself, which will show up everywhere else automatically.  Cool, huh?!
  1. Think of something you used to love to do that you haven’t done in a long time.  Remember how amazing it was?  Now get out your calendar and schedule time for yourself to do it again. This is refueling time where you will be filling yourself up with so much great attention that you will overflow the juice to the one you love spontaneously if you make it a practice.
  1.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself receiving some really wonderful texts or emails telling you how amazing you are, what you love most about you, what your favorite features are, how in love you are with you…and then quickly compose a short email to yourself saying exactly those things.
  1. Now think up four things you absolutely love and adore about your partner.  Write them down.  Text one to him in the morning and one at night for two consecutive days…or do one a day for four days, your choice.
  1. Write out ten things you appreciate about your partner every day for a week.  This single practice transformed my relationship in a flash.  Try it.
  1. If you are home before your partner gets home from work, make sure you greet him like you would greet a favorite friend.  After all, this person committed their entire lifetime to a relationship with you!
  1. Hard, introspective, advanced tip:  Determine the one thing about your spouse that is bugging you the most lately.  Now, get cross legged on a meditation cushion with incense, a lit candle, and some new age music.  Close your eyes and breathe through your nose, deeply into your heart space.  Imagine them doing the thing they do that you cannot tolerate because it makes you want to erase your wedding from time.  Now, instead of them doing it, imagine yourself doing it.  Look very closely at ways in which you do this to yourself.  You’ll most likely need to dig very deep for this.  Once you see how you do this, own it and surround yourself in a pink bubble of love.  Forgive yourself and send out angel waves of gratitude to your spouse for showing you what to heal inside of yourself.
  1. Last tip of the day…do something different.  If you never order take out, order it and make it fun.  (If you always order it, consider cooking a homemade meal).  If you never initiate sex, try it.  If you do everything perfectly, do some stuff imperfectly on purpose.  If you never finish anything, pick three things to complete and just DO them till utter completion.  Find something in your life that you can shake up and wake up and see what happens.

Would love to hear how these tips worked out for you. Remember, anything that wakes you up will wake up your relationship, because we are all reflections of each other.  If you have your own great tip, please feel free to share it with us here.

Goddess Oceana

http://www.goddessoceana.com

What’s The Big Deal About Gratitude?

December 11, 2010

There’s a lot of talk about gratitude these days, from Oprah to books on the subject, to whole courses on the topic.  I have wondered if I could define the role gratitude plays in happiness, and until now I was confused about how to explain it.

A long time ago,  I did a course where a piece of our homework for one month was to write a thousand gratitudes.  I wrote and I wrote, and then I found myself stymied, thinking that I had run out of them after a few hundred.  It occurred to me that there were things so small that I took for granted, like eyelashes or pebbles, and for a few pages my list became hyper-focused on the tiniest stuff of life.

An amazing thing happened as I continued with the process…you’ve probably guessed it…I began to see my life through new eyes.  Every thing from the fact that I could breathe to the glass in my windows, from someone saying good morning to having a clean sheet of paper to write on…it all began to take on a new and incredible magic.  What was once neglected was suddenly my reason for rejoicing, and my joy grew.  My appreciation of life grew, and the appreciation was seemingly contagious.  People smiled at me more, gifts came my way, and money began to flow into my life more easefully.

It wasn’t all rosy, though.  There were still the things in life that irritated me, the people that annoyed or upset me, and the physical maladies that can sometimes plague us all.  But through my practice of gratitude, these upsetting parts of life became more tolerable, more manageable, and passed more quickly.

It is truly a practice, this thing called gratitude.  It’s not our normal training as humans to look for the good, to find a reason to be ecstatic, or to see a challenge or tragedy as cause for celebration.  It’s a discipline for someone seeking mastery or enlightenment.

Mastery and enlightenment require a diligence in the face of contraction from aliveness.  Breathing, which is the energy of the life force animating the flesh suits we acquire at birth, is excellent training for this practice of enlightenment.  We breathe in…expand into life and love…and we exhale…contracting into the letting go of life, or dying…expanding and contracting.  Our very existence trains us to be masters of many things including non-attachment.  Gratitude for life would mean gratitude for ALL of it…not just the so called “good things” we can weed out of the mundane we tend to focus on, but even what we may deem “bad” or “undesirable”.

My gratitudes began to take a turn somewhere in the middle towards the end of a thousand.  I found that I wasn’t just grateful for the people who made me smile and feel warm and fuzzy, but I was downright on my knees grateful for those who pissed me off, who irritated my expectations, and who reflected the parts of myself I’d rather not look at.  I was grateful for pain…which had previously been something I avoided at all costs…because pain let me know I was alive, and pain was such a fantastic backdrop for pleasure.  I was grateful for the all of life, not just the tiny gratitudes that had poured from  my pen in a desperate attempt to complete the assignment.  My journey of a thousand gratitudes did not stop that year…or ever.  I carry that particular gratitude exercise, given to me by a true master of enlightenment, to this day with a profound gratitude to her and to the lessons of living life with my heart wide open.

Connection As The New Trend

November 5, 2010

Women tend to seek intimacy in relationships because it’s how we are wired biologically.  One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that they can’t seem to connect with their partners at a deep level that satisfies this longing enough.  They tell me that all men want is sex, but they want the romance, the love, and the sensitivity to come first.

It all makes perfect sense that they are telling me this!  Nature sure has a sense of humor when it comes to males and females.  Men are wired to procreate first, find intimacy second.  They will visually seek the hardiest, most physically appealing mate because it assures that our race will endure.  Women actually have this instinct as well, but because they’re the ones who raise the offspring, historically, they are wired for relationship and bonding to ensure the community will assist them in this daunting endeavor.  It really does take a village.

The tides are turning, however, and the age of a strong and healthy feminine essence is at hand.  All over the world, women are beginning to feel a pull, an often uncanny urge towards the earth, their sisters, and their finally true purpose.  Men are feeling it too, and my intuition tells me that it’s the feminine side of themselves they are hearing tap, tap, tap on their heart’s inner knowing.

The good news for all of us is that intimate connection is the newest and latest longing.  Women may have always desired it, but in our age of screens, commercialism, domestication gone haywire, and media conditioning to violence as normal…it is the holes in our souls that everyone is longing to fill now.  The crazy fear frenzy of the news channels, the overly caricatured hyped up sitcoms, and the fast and furious onslaught of material overload has proven not to fill this void.  People are longing for one thing above all others, and that one thing is meaningful connection.  It can be translated into spiritual fulfillment, a deep purpose that serves the higher good of humanity, and many other great words, but in  my opinion it boils down to basic human connection.

We can find it by turning off the screens, sitting still in the quiet, refusing to answer the phone every single time it rings, and active listening, for starters.  The gift of true connection is one that is unforgettable, and that impacts in a way that ripples in its healing effect.  How many times have you felt truly and deeply heard?  I venture to say that you remember those few times vividly as precious in your life.

A relationship is its own being, a unique energy body that needs feeding, attention, and love.  To be in service to this relationship energy body is the best way that I know of to hone the art of commitment and growth…not very romantic stuff, but crucial to the creation of romance.  In other words, we must build a foundation of connection, deep listening, commitment to growth, and commitment to the entity of the relationship to even begin to expect the next level of true and lasting romance to enter the picture.

 

The practice of connection in our intimate relationships requires complete and full attention to each other.  It requires distraction free space, and a commitment to set aside our own agendas for the larger entity of the relationship. The best place to begin is with the tried and true exercise of taking turns being heard and listening, repeating back what you heard to each other verbatim.  Eye gazing is another fabulous way to build intimacy and connection, and specifically gazing at each other’s left eyes works best, according to behavior specialists.  Another thing to keep in mind is that women need romance first to feel a deep and romantic connection, and men need oxytocin from sex to feel a loving bond.  This is a quandary indeed!  I suggest some give and take here, and especially for women to begin to speak to what they need, find ways to relieve stress, and nurture themselves before trying to give more.  Exquisite self care is crucial before a woman can relax into all that a man has to give her. Connection is multi-faceted, but it’s the foundation of what will heal our world, our relationships, and our lives.  Of this I am convinced.

7 Romantic Ways to Rock Your Relationship

October 1, 2010

One of the ways we fall into a rut in our long term relationships is by ignoring the romance factor.  It’s not our fault, but it is our responsibility if we want to keep the sparks sparkling and the flame burning.  You may not want to hear this for various reasons, such as resenting the fact that you have to be the one to do something to generate it, or wishing your partner would take a clue from the fairytales and just BE romantic and charming.

The fact that you want to read an article like this one is very hopeful, though!  You have scored a big sparkling star just for your curiosity and willingness to entertain your imagination with ideas about romantic rockingness.  The prerequisite for the forthcoming effort is to acknowledge yourself for wanting to try.  Going into this endeavor with some compassion and love for yourself will magnify your results.  Cool, huh?!

Here are some surefire ways to rock it, roll it, and have a second helping:

1.     For a couple of weeks, decide that you are going to be generous and kind without the attitude.  You’re reaching deep into magnanimity and holiness, and you’re being kind because it just plain feels good in so many ways.

2.     Start treating your lover as a stranger.  Find this suggestion strange?  It’s actually a brilliant move.  Have you ever noticed how polite you are to other people publicly, but once you get home, the hair comes down and the taking your partner for granted habit takes over?  Practice being incredibly polite to your partner.  Use the magic word, and say thank you. Offer a bite first.  Say excuse me rather than “mooooove”.

3.     Get a girlfriend to swap romantic ideas with you.  Have a full out brainstorming session with each other and see how many new ideas you can each come up with.  Go home and try the ones you like best once a week for a month.

4.     Schedule (don’t groan, scheduling works!) an evening or morning alone with your lover.  Do whatever you need to do in advance that will make this time stress free, i.e. order out rather than cook, set the coffeepot timer on the night before, make sure the kids are at a sleepover or in bed already.  Tell your partner that this time is going to be for you to give your total attention to him to remind him of how much he’s loved.  Tell each other the top five things you miss that you used to do together when you first met, and then brainstorm to see how you can bring some of that back now.

5.     Give your partner a ‘love wash’.  This is not the kind of wash you think it is.  I’m talking about having your partner sit in a chair across from you and spending three full minutes telling him every single thing you adore, love, appreciate, cherish, and are grateful for about him.  Allow him to reciprocate if he’d like to, but don’t expect or demand it this first time.  You can tell him this is a practice session, and that you’d love it if he’d be willing to take turns doing this with   you daily for a week. Credit for this one goes to Harville Hendrix, superb relationship expert.

6.     Spontaneously chat online with your lover when you’re both on your computers.  There’s something very sexy and fun about writing to each other, and things are communicated that are sometimes difficult to say in person.  Send love notes and sexy thoughts, and plan a rendezvous for that night.

7.     Trade romantic setups with another couple.  Each couple takes a turn setting up a fantastic meal complete with wine, flowers, table setting, romantic lighting, candles, love notes, fresh sheets, beautiful massage oil, romantic music, and whatever else your imagination can cook up.  They get to enjoy just experiencing this amazing dinner at home complete with romantic touches, and then they set one up for the both of you at another time.  You’ll find you’re excited creating romance for someone else, and it gets you feeling romantically appreciative of your partner as well.

There you have it.  Even if you choose only one tip, you are taking the steps towards evoking romance, and even a drop of romance is worth the effort, wouldn’t you agree?

~Goddess Oceana, author of forthcoming book, Ecstatic Quotes From the Goddess, Empowerment and Intimacy Coach, sensual wise woman, and enlightenment guide.

http://www.goddessoceana.com

Is Turning Heads An Outside or Inside Job?

August 30, 2010

Magazine covers would have us believe that beauty is an outside job, and yet our spiritual leaders tell us it all comes from within.  I don’t know about you, but it leaves my head in a tizzy!  I’ve tried every hair color, every type of makeup, dressed myself in every fashion to hit the runways…and unlike the majority, I’ve also studied spirituality from Christianity to paganism and everything in between.

As they say in Maine, ya can’t get they-ya from hee-ya.  What I mean is that as women, we search constantly for a way to attract attention from that special one or many and end up either beautifying ourselves to exhaustion, or giving up completely and neglecting ourselves.  Does this sound familiar?

I dare say I have untangled the confusing information, which I am downright elated to clarify with you here.  It’s something so obvious and simple that I’m flushed that it hadn’t dawned on me earlier.  The truth is that it’s not just an outside job and it’s not just an inside job…it is BOTH

My personal background includes modeling and cosmetology which are outside jobs.  For twenty years I spent most of my time looking in mirrors, primping myself or someone else, expertly assessing my client’s features, taking clothes on and off, strutting down runways and posing for photographers.  I listened to a multitude of women commiserate about their hair, their looks, their boyfriends, husbands, their sex lives, their weight, and their careers.  They told me secrets reserved for therapists, and then some.  The amazing thing is that without exception, after an hour in my chair of being professionally coiffed and primped, they would leave feeling more beautiful.  They sat down, got inner and outer attention and acknowledgment, and left feeling wonderful and radiating more beauty.

The noticeable thing about a woman who feels beautiful is that she carries herself differently.  She smiles more, is conscious of her body and how she’s holding herself, and looks others in the eye with confidence.  A woman can take herself from invisible to queen in minutes just by carrying herself with poise.

Sometimes a woman would come in with her hair an absolute mess, and the transformational mix of hair color, cut and styling would be stunning.  Seeing her transformed physical appearance would shift her emotions about herself and then her self esteem would soar.  At other times a woman whose physicality was breathtakingly beautiful would sit down for me to work on her, and inside of ten minutes her negative attitude would literally change my perception of her and she would appear considerably less attractive bordering on ugly.

It’s up to us how we use the power we have in our hands as women.  We don’t have to wait for someone to tell us how gorgeous we are (although it never hurts!).  We can do it ourselves.  Also, we have the choice of whether to slip into something sexy, touch up our lipstick, and dab on some perfume or simply carry ourselves as if we own the room with the magnetic secret between our thighs.  Beauty is not an either/or proposition…it is an exciting blend of both that we have access to at any time.

Get That Love Fire Roaring, Girlfriends

July 22, 2010

Stuck in a rut?  Not feeling so amorous?  You are in good company, my sisters.  One of the misnomers of marriage and long term relationship is that once you find your soul mate, you live happily ever after.

I am here to break the bad, sad news that “happily ever after” requires commitment and work.  No one likes to hear that, especially since we’ve been fed the storybook ending since we were sitting on mama’s lap looking at board books.  The upside is that you have me, and you have all sorts of support to help make that work fun!

In this short article, I’ll give you a mini introduction to some resources that will kindle the flames again.  Once that’s happening, you can determine if some lighter fluid is necessary, and for that you are welcome to contact me, since that’s my specialty.

To begin, ladies, one thing to remember about men is that they are very visual.  And so, if you’ve gotten accustomed to climbing into bed in your torn t-shirt and old, stained dorm pants, chances are the lights are out already.  Either he’s snoring, or watching tv for a few more hours, or you are feeling so tired and gross that the last thing on your mind is romance.

We’ve got to turn this train around, darlings.   Allow me introduce you to Margaret Shrum.  She is the epitome of ‘goddess’ and the lingerie specialist par excellence.  My amazing friend Margaret is the creatrix of a phenomenal community where you can learn how to indulge your sensuality, awaken your senses, and eternally show up feeling absolutely gorgeous.  Margaret coaches women on how to choose, wear, care for, and overhaul their lingerie collections.  Lingerie is a sure way to make you feel like a real, hot, sexy, confident woman.  Visit her at http://www.thelingeriediet.com.

The next step I’d recommend after indulging yourself in silk and satin is to find a girlfriend or two with great listening skills and ask them to let you cut loose in everything that’s pissing you off lately.  You heard me.  As women, we need to purge and detox the stuff we’ve been holding onto, the resentments, the upsets, and the toxic emotions.  Left too long to simmer, they build up an intimacy chastity belt that any man lucky enough to penetrate is essentially setting himself up for some unsavory interactions.  Poor sucker.  So get that resentment out of your system, and then move on to step number three.

Make a list of everything you adore about your partner.  What is the most adorable trait?  Focus on it, relish it, and appreciate him out loud about it.  Often.  Sandwich special requests between it.  Acknowledge everything he does that is right.  See if you can find three things a day that he’s doing that are good and make acknowledgment a habit.

The next action you can take is to go on a pleasure regimen.  Do something every single day that brings you pleasure.  Rev up your pleasure meter, feed it with delicious experiences and little joys, and don’t get caught without coins.  This is a serious practice, and it will fill you up with desire, which is the key ingredient that men cannot resist.

That’s it for today, girlfriends!  I’ll be checking back in to see how you did, so make me proud!

Blissings~

Goddess Oceana

http://www.GoddessOceana.com

What Women Desire In A Man

June 25, 2010

Lately people have been asking me to give men an idea of how to relate to women.  In their words, they want to learn how to treat a Goddess.  I’ve put some thought into it for quite a while, and have come up with some basic pointers that I think every woman out there would appreciate, and that would also make a huge difference for men who are really trying to figure women out.

  1. Your Unique Gift. Knowing what your own gift is, what you bring to the world is a complete turn on for an intelligent woman.  If you are clear about what your strengths are, and have a desire to bring this gift to the world for the upliftment and betterment of the world as a whole, you are scoring some big points in the attractiveness sector.  For a woman to respect and admire the man she is with, there has to be something that he contributes to the world that is larger than the relationship.
  2. Acknowledgment. They want to be acknowledged deeply.  Learning to see a woman’s innate unique gift, and how to acknowledge her for it will be like a breath of fresh air for any woman who’s been waiting her whole life for a man with this ability.  A woman blossoms before your eyes when you shower her with genuine and authentic appreciation.  
  3. Trust. Most women are taught to be careful and safe around men…and for good reason!  There are too many predators out there taking advantage of unwitting women, and so knowing how to build trust with a woman is KEY.  Keep your word,  treat her with great respect, behave like a gentleman with good manners, and show her that you are caring for her in small ways.  Look out for her safety.  Also, if you’re going to be late, have the good sense to call ahead and let her know.  Imagine how you would want your daughter, if you had one,  to be treated by a man, and aspire to treat the woman you’re with with that same care.
  4. Connection. Women want a strong man who is self assured and has high confidence and self worth…who knows how to connect with her on an emotional and intuitive level.  This takes some practice for some men in active listening, repeating some of the things she says when she is expressing her emotions, and looking into her eyes.  It requires a type of listening where you are not thinking of what you are going to say next, but rather memorizing what she is saying so that you could repeat it back word for word…it’s hard work.  Trust me that if you can repeat back some of the important points of what she is saying, not only will she feel deeply heard, but you will find that you’re hearing things that you would never have heard about her.  You’ll be hearing things that will tell you how she wants to be treated, and this goes a long way in learning the road map to her devotion to you.
  5. Sense of Humor. A sincere appreciation of the joy and humor in life, and the ability to laugh at yourself without behaving like a child is key to finding a great partner and especially key to a lasting and joy filled relationship.  The kind of humor you display is crucial, as gross or sarcastic humor is highly undesirable.  These reveal immaturity and an unkind spirit, both of which don’t build respect or admiration.  Endearing humor is so healing, and a man who can lighten a situation by bringing the levity of gentle wit or happy humor is a gift.  Studies show that couples who laugh together stay together.
  6. Sensuality. Notice I didn’t say sexuality.  This is perhaps the most important thing to be aware of with a woman.  If a man jumps to crude sexual overtures too fast, he will receive either a strong slap or the woman will simply disappear, leaving you to wonder why she doesn’t respond to your texts.   Women operate in a completely opposite way from men when it comes to sexuality, and so the way to romance yourself into her embrace is to start from a distance with subtlety and plenty of time, very gently working your way towards her as she relaxes more and more into the security and safety of your authentic caring.  Understand that her whole body and soul are sensual zones.  A woman is a walking nerve ending whose purpose is pleasure, and if you simply focus on grabbing the most centrally arousing points first,  you will send her into sensory overload, otherwise displayed as repulsion, fear, discomfort, and withdrawal.  A sexual encounter in a committed relationship begins 48 hours in advance, with flowers and romance!  Imagine how much longer it takes in a new dating situation.  Just the way a man holds a woman’s hand can be foreplay, and this cannot be overstated.  Take your time and relish the experiences that lead to the culmination of love and trust built over time.  I realize that this is a new way of approaching sex in this day and age, but would you rather have a microwaved take out dinner or a skillfully crafted, five course gourmet meal?  Quality over quantity ensures longevity, and you can quote me.  Be the king she has been waiting for…the one who recognizes and compliments her inner queen.

Of course, there is so much more to explain and various ways to practice these skills.  Most importantly is not to approach all of this with a feeling of having failed thus far.  When women are empowered and taught how to express what they want, men don’t have to guess and they can come out winning.  The point is that for far too long, women have been told from a very young age not to engage with their sensual natures, and so they often don’t even know how to express what will feel good.  It is no one’s fault, and we can start from where we are right now.

If we can all be patient with each other and begin to learn new ways of engaging, open ourselves up to greater levels of compassion and hope, and approach relationships with authentic respect, the whole world will heal.  I believe that what women desire in a man is well within reach for most men, and that once the trust and respect are in place, relationships have a bright future.

Dishing Up Some Exquisite Self Care

April 28, 2010

What will it take, I ask you, to get you to slow down and put the oxygen mask to your own face? Why is it that we, as women, tend to leave ourselves last?  I know, I know.  You have a million reasons ranging from fear that ‘they’ won’t be able to care for themselves, to the belief that no one else could possibly take care of this situation as well as you do, to the ultimate one, that if you do let go and allow them to do it themselves, they’ll inevitably mess it up and you’ll have to then work twice as hard picking up the pieces!

Well, I have news for you, my cupcakes.  I am eating shrimp with brown rice and veggies right now, sautéed lightly in safflower oil, known for its health giving benefits.  What on earth does this have to do with it?  Everything.  It is a lunch prepared with love, some deep relaxed breathing, and a whole lotta will power.  It took immense will power for me to stop what I was doing, walk into the kitchen, and take the time to prepare a healthy meal for myself.  I didn’t want to.  I would have preferred to continue working and unconsciously slam down a microwaved, salt laden, chemically preserved tv dinner.  And I would have liked to follow it with a chocolate bar, a diet coke, and perhaps some potato chips.  Sister, I have deadlines, you know.

My preferred lunch would have me high, working away, feeling productive and like the world loved me because I was keeping up with my commitments in a timely fashion…at least in my mind.  The aching need to feel loved would be satiated with sugar, fat, salt, and caffeine.  We are all aware though, that the preferred lunch would also have me crashing in no time and reaching for more potato chips, some ice cream, or another aspartame riddled adult black poison bubbly juice (diet coke).  All of this for what?  For more production, more people pleasing, more feelings like I am in control of my world…for these illusions I sacrifice my poor body.

I am telling you that it is not just food, but so many other reasons, excuses and ideas we have that all boil down to one thing.  Programming.  Women in general are programmed to be pleasing, to put others first, to sacrifice, to continue to hold others higher, to delay or even forsake gratification, and to stay smaller so that we are liked.

Time and time again I see women who are magnificent, spectacular, and brilliant, and they’re running ragged trying to keep up with what is accepted in our society as norm…hiding their light, passion and hotness under a mountain of pressure.

So here I have the flashing red lights and the sirens to get your attention.  It is only by caring for ourselves exquisitely that we can truly serve the world.  You know that old cliché about mommy using the oxygen mask first so that she can then be alive to put the oxygen mask over baby’s face?  True.  Perfect.  It is absolutely imperative.  You need to put yourself first, first, first, first, first.  Let me repeat that.  You need to put yourself first.  And that baby?  It’s your inner infant.

This brings me to our topic today of exquisite self care.  It begins with a scoop of willingness to believe that it is possible.  Dripped over that is some soothing, delicious and warm attention such as a list of what you might enjoy.  I enjoy resting with a good book and a hot cup of tea, a walk in the sunshine, massaging some lotion onto my feet, or meditating.  This is a great start and with a pen, the list of possibilities begins.

The sprinkling of friends who are on the same mission is an added extra, and it’s free.  You can engage a few willing sisters to join you in this journey and ante up the beauty and joy factor on the planet by doing so.  And then the ultimate dollop of whipped up pleasure on the fun is an outing of your desire.  These could be made up of whatever turns you on.

Self care is fine by itself, but when you add exquisiteness to it, it becomes the thing of which goddesses, courtesans, and women of sparkling charisma are made.  To reach exquisiteness, you must stretch.  Stretching into purchasing silky luxuries to wear against your skin, treating yourself to a full body massage, or attending a ballet…whatever brings you into a place of pleasure.  The cherry on the top, my loves, is that when you have been willing to care for yourself, the world begins to adore you, respect you, want you, desire your company, and is willing to do anything for you.  Please don’t take my word for it…pick up your spoon and try some.

My Hottt Tips for Gorgeous Skin

November 25, 2009

People consistently comment on my skin.  They remark that I have hardly any wrinkles and my skin is beautiful.  Thank you Peeps!  I suck in compliments like a sponge and absorb as much pleasure as possible from each and every one.  I highly recommend learning to receive a compliment, as it is a true gift to the giver.

That said, I have decided to divulge my “secrets” for beautiful skin.  With a background in cosmetology, yoga, herbalism and aromatherapy…not to mention a mother who had a penchant for vitamin supplementation, I now give you the full monty on how I do it.

10 pointers from a tantric yogini that will keep your face dewy, fresh and lovely all winter:

1.  Drink plenty of water daily and take your vitamins.

2.  Never use really hot water on your face, only warm or cool.  Your skin will retain its moisture better, and besides, hot water is just too harsh.

3.  Eat your MUFA’s…monounsaturated fatty acids…flax seeds, avocado, olive oil, dark chocolate, evening primrose oil, cod liver oil, nuts and seeds.  Nourish your skin from within and get healthier while you’re at it.

4.  Retinol is the only stuff that has been proven to make a difference in diminishing lines and wrinkles over the counter.  When you use it, be sure to use sunscreen as well to avoid burning this newly sensitive skin.  You can purchase a retinol cream for about twenty bucks at the drugstore without a prescription.

5.  Vitamin C is key for gorgeous skin.  Find a vitamin C serum or cream and use it to continue to help the old skin cells fall away to reveal the fresh new skin underneath.  You’ll be amazed after only a few weeks at how much fresher and vibrant your skin looks.

6.  Once in a while, warm up some sesame oil after you’ve cleansed you face and gently massage in upward circular motions.  Deeply moisturizing and detoxifying, and leaves your skin oh-so-soft.  Also a great detox.  Use the organic, untoasted sesame oil, or try virgin olive oil, apricot kernel oil, or avocado oil if you want varied moisturizing and vitamin effects.

7.  Practice yoga.  Your circulation will benefit, your body will detox naturally, and the relaxation will unfurl your brows, causing less wrinkles.  Speaking of yoga, tantrikas know that a practice of self pleasure will keep your skin glowing and prolong your life.  Continue to work with the chi, folks.

8.  Do a weekly steam facial with herbs, a pot of boiled water, and a towel over your head.  Follow with a mask from the kitchen.  Avocado mashed with yogurt, or oatmeal or just mashed strawberries work well.   Eggs make great facial masks if you apply yolk first, let dry, and then whites over it and let dry.  My favorite one is honey with a drop of rose essential oil for intensive moisture.  Honey is a natural humectant and your skin will be softer than you can imagine afterwards.

Simple Beauty

9.  Sleeping Beauty was gorgeous cuz she slept so much.  Get yourself enough beauty rest, darlings.  Oh, and did I mention fresh air and sunshine?  That too.  Mother did know best.

10.  Last but definitely not least, try out some of my seriously gorgeous facial elixirs and bask in the exquisite sensory experience…essential oils are my secret to young skin.  Indulge in a special blend by me and put your best face forward!


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