Posts Tagged ‘Dating’

Are You Too Much, Not Enough, Or Just Plain Confused?

June 30, 2015

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Do you shrink yourself to be more pleasing?

Do you go blank when someone asks you what you want, or make something up in hopes it will turn out well?

Are you confused about why men don’t seem attracted to you, or do you miss the signals?

You’re not alone, sister.  So many of us are stymied by the crazy mixed messages we are bombarded with from the media, and even more importantly, by the way we’ve been trained to be silent, appeasing, and people pleasing.  It becomes a habit based in fear and self-preservation.

You don’t need this habit, but wow does it take hold when it’s reinforced by attitudes in the culture, commercials, and good old-fashioned female oppression.

The truth is that you are never too much, you’re always enough, and you know way more than you give yourself credit for, you goddess!  But how are you supposed to tap into this type of confidence, courage and savvy?

This is my specialty, and I have been through it for decades until I figured it out.  I was the ultimate people pleaser, good girl, quiet and polite lady who spent a whole lot of time battling depression, failed relationships, a failed marriage, and even abuse and rape.

My journey to wholeness began  very slowly, years before I realized I had a problem.  I was training in Law of Attraction and spiritual mysticism early on in my teens, and started my passion for attending transformational workshops in my twenties.  But it wasn’t enough to wipe out the low self-worth I was battling.  Brilliant teachings and trainings were wonderful, and I benefitted immensely, but they didn’t change the deepest core of my particular emotional and mental wounding.

The process of healing took me three decades and was a relentless search on my part, healing layer after layer after layer.  I went through what I would call a spiritual death in my early forties, and the journey back from that was through my ongoing intensive training in the Divine Feminine mysteries, wisewoman teachings, shamanic trainings, and decades of practicing tantric yoga.

I believe there is a reason for everything we experience, and that the soul is imbued with a Divine Plan in collaboration with our inherent desires for ecstasy.

What I offer you now as an elder is the full scope of all that I’ve learned and practiced over my lifetime.  One method doesn’t work for everyone, as you are a unique and wondrous creature with a path as intricate and distinct as a snowflake.  Every individual has their own story to be lived and liberated into an enlightened legend, and for most of us, the support and guidance of a wise teacher with many experiences and an array of skills is necessary.

My passion is to dive deep with women and peer into their souls, support them to fulfill their Divine Destiny with joy, love, and sensuality as their inherent birthright.

Blissings & Blessings,

Goddess Oceana

Goddess Oceana is a certified Tantric Yoga Teacher, Shaman, and Women’s Empowerment Coach. If you’re a woman who wants to embrace your inner power to attract and create more money, and become a magnet to more positive relationships, go here for the free series, The Seven Goddess Secrets Every Modern Woman Must Know To Live In Passionate Pleasure now.

 

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Willingness

June 21, 2011

The very first step towards having what you want is to learn the act of willingness.  It takes a high level of intention to be a conscious creatrix of your reality.  While on the path of learning to master your thoughts, your words, your actions, and your visualizations, it’s important to learn how to navigate towards something better when you feel stuck.

I have seen people so firmly rooted in a fixed pattern at times that they cannot begin to see any possibility of change.  They can’t imagine anything better, or that the crisis they are in at that moment could have any solution whatsoever.  It’s as if they are so entrenched in the small, narrow view they’re holding that they cannot see the forest for the trees.

The best course of action I have found to help is to introduce some “give” in their perspective.  To relax a tiny bit, to allow a glimmer of light into the dark forest, or to have some small amount of slack in the rope that is binding them into knots of anxiety and stress…is the very best way to unravel the knot.

The question to ask is, “Would you be WILLING to have a solution present itself?”  And of course, this willingness is usually just enough to give the universe an opening to work with.  Simultaneously, it is harmless enough for someone to agree to be willing, rather than to commit to finding a solution.  If you have to find it yourself, and you can’t even imagine it ever getting better, how could you agree to that?  You couldn’t.  BUT…you might be WILLING to agree that there MIGHT be a possibility that you don’t know of. 

Willingness is a crucial step in bringing possibilities of a brand new creation that our little minds cannot conceive of, but that the Divine Mind is aligning in perfect and elegant timing.

I leave you with today’s lesson to consider.  If you are stuck in a challenge, or you desire something so seemingly out of your realm of imagination, use the tool of willingness.  Say to yourself, “I am willing to be open to a new possibility.” 

Connection As The New Trend

November 5, 2010

Women tend to seek intimacy in relationships because it’s how we are wired biologically.  One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that they can’t seem to connect with their partners at a deep level that satisfies this longing enough.  They tell me that all men want is sex, but they want the romance, the love, and the sensitivity to come first.

It all makes perfect sense that they are telling me this!  Nature sure has a sense of humor when it comes to males and females.  Men are wired to procreate first, find intimacy second.  They will visually seek the hardiest, most physically appealing mate because it assures that our race will endure.  Women actually have this instinct as well, but because they’re the ones who raise the offspring, historically, they are wired for relationship and bonding to ensure the community will assist them in this daunting endeavor.  It really does take a village.

The tides are turning, however, and the age of a strong and healthy feminine essence is at hand.  All over the world, women are beginning to feel a pull, an often uncanny urge towards the earth, their sisters, and their finally true purpose.  Men are feeling it too, and my intuition tells me that it’s the feminine side of themselves they are hearing tap, tap, tap on their heart’s inner knowing.

The good news for all of us is that intimate connection is the newest and latest longing.  Women may have always desired it, but in our age of screens, commercialism, domestication gone haywire, and media conditioning to violence as normal…it is the holes in our souls that everyone is longing to fill now.  The crazy fear frenzy of the news channels, the overly caricatured hyped up sitcoms, and the fast and furious onslaught of material overload has proven not to fill this void.  People are longing for one thing above all others, and that one thing is meaningful connection.  It can be translated into spiritual fulfillment, a deep purpose that serves the higher good of humanity, and many other great words, but in  my opinion it boils down to basic human connection.

We can find it by turning off the screens, sitting still in the quiet, refusing to answer the phone every single time it rings, and active listening, for starters.  The gift of true connection is one that is unforgettable, and that impacts in a way that ripples in its healing effect.  How many times have you felt truly and deeply heard?  I venture to say that you remember those few times vividly as precious in your life.

A relationship is its own being, a unique energy body that needs feeding, attention, and love.  To be in service to this relationship energy body is the best way that I know of to hone the art of commitment and growth…not very romantic stuff, but crucial to the creation of romance.  In other words, we must build a foundation of connection, deep listening, commitment to growth, and commitment to the entity of the relationship to even begin to expect the next level of true and lasting romance to enter the picture.

 

The practice of connection in our intimate relationships requires complete and full attention to each other.  It requires distraction free space, and a commitment to set aside our own agendas for the larger entity of the relationship. The best place to begin is with the tried and true exercise of taking turns being heard and listening, repeating back what you heard to each other verbatim.  Eye gazing is another fabulous way to build intimacy and connection, and specifically gazing at each other’s left eyes works best, according to behavior specialists.  Another thing to keep in mind is that women need romance first to feel a deep and romantic connection, and men need oxytocin from sex to feel a loving bond.  This is a quandary indeed!  I suggest some give and take here, and especially for women to begin to speak to what they need, find ways to relieve stress, and nurture themselves before trying to give more.  Exquisite self care is crucial before a woman can relax into all that a man has to give her. Connection is multi-faceted, but it’s the foundation of what will heal our world, our relationships, and our lives.  Of this I am convinced.

7 Romantic Ways to Rock Your Relationship

October 1, 2010

One of the ways we fall into a rut in our long term relationships is by ignoring the romance factor.  It’s not our fault, but it is our responsibility if we want to keep the sparks sparkling and the flame burning.  You may not want to hear this for various reasons, such as resenting the fact that you have to be the one to do something to generate it, or wishing your partner would take a clue from the fairytales and just BE romantic and charming.

The fact that you want to read an article like this one is very hopeful, though!  You have scored a big sparkling star just for your curiosity and willingness to entertain your imagination with ideas about romantic rockingness.  The prerequisite for the forthcoming effort is to acknowledge yourself for wanting to try.  Going into this endeavor with some compassion and love for yourself will magnify your results.  Cool, huh?!

Here are some surefire ways to rock it, roll it, and have a second helping:

1.     For a couple of weeks, decide that you are going to be generous and kind without the attitude.  You’re reaching deep into magnanimity and holiness, and you’re being kind because it just plain feels good in so many ways.

2.     Start treating your lover as a stranger.  Find this suggestion strange?  It’s actually a brilliant move.  Have you ever noticed how polite you are to other people publicly, but once you get home, the hair comes down and the taking your partner for granted habit takes over?  Practice being incredibly polite to your partner.  Use the magic word, and say thank you. Offer a bite first.  Say excuse me rather than “mooooove”.

3.     Get a girlfriend to swap romantic ideas with you.  Have a full out brainstorming session with each other and see how many new ideas you can each come up with.  Go home and try the ones you like best once a week for a month.

4.     Schedule (don’t groan, scheduling works!) an evening or morning alone with your lover.  Do whatever you need to do in advance that will make this time stress free, i.e. order out rather than cook, set the coffeepot timer on the night before, make sure the kids are at a sleepover or in bed already.  Tell your partner that this time is going to be for you to give your total attention to him to remind him of how much he’s loved.  Tell each other the top five things you miss that you used to do together when you first met, and then brainstorm to see how you can bring some of that back now.

5.     Give your partner a ‘love wash’.  This is not the kind of wash you think it is.  I’m talking about having your partner sit in a chair across from you and spending three full minutes telling him every single thing you adore, love, appreciate, cherish, and are grateful for about him.  Allow him to reciprocate if he’d like to, but don’t expect or demand it this first time.  You can tell him this is a practice session, and that you’d love it if he’d be willing to take turns doing this with   you daily for a week. Credit for this one goes to Harville Hendrix, superb relationship expert.

6.     Spontaneously chat online with your lover when you’re both on your computers.  There’s something very sexy and fun about writing to each other, and things are communicated that are sometimes difficult to say in person.  Send love notes and sexy thoughts, and plan a rendezvous for that night.

7.     Trade romantic setups with another couple.  Each couple takes a turn setting up a fantastic meal complete with wine, flowers, table setting, romantic lighting, candles, love notes, fresh sheets, beautiful massage oil, romantic music, and whatever else your imagination can cook up.  They get to enjoy just experiencing this amazing dinner at home complete with romantic touches, and then they set one up for the both of you at another time.  You’ll find you’re excited creating romance for someone else, and it gets you feeling romantically appreciative of your partner as well.

There you have it.  Even if you choose only one tip, you are taking the steps towards evoking romance, and even a drop of romance is worth the effort, wouldn’t you agree?

~Goddess Oceana, author of forthcoming book, Ecstatic Quotes From the Goddess, Empowerment and Intimacy Coach, sensual wise woman, and enlightenment guide.

http://www.goddessoceana.com

Is Turning Heads An Outside or Inside Job?

August 30, 2010

Magazine covers would have us believe that beauty is an outside job, and yet our spiritual leaders tell us it all comes from within.  I don’t know about you, but it leaves my head in a tizzy!  I’ve tried every hair color, every type of makeup, dressed myself in every fashion to hit the runways…and unlike the majority, I’ve also studied spirituality from Christianity to paganism and everything in between.

As they say in Maine, ya can’t get they-ya from hee-ya.  What I mean is that as women, we search constantly for a way to attract attention from that special one or many and end up either beautifying ourselves to exhaustion, or giving up completely and neglecting ourselves.  Does this sound familiar?

I dare say I have untangled the confusing information, which I am downright elated to clarify with you here.  It’s something so obvious and simple that I’m flushed that it hadn’t dawned on me earlier.  The truth is that it’s not just an outside job and it’s not just an inside job…it is BOTH

My personal background includes modeling and cosmetology which are outside jobs.  For twenty years I spent most of my time looking in mirrors, primping myself or someone else, expertly assessing my client’s features, taking clothes on and off, strutting down runways and posing for photographers.  I listened to a multitude of women commiserate about their hair, their looks, their boyfriends, husbands, their sex lives, their weight, and their careers.  They told me secrets reserved for therapists, and then some.  The amazing thing is that without exception, after an hour in my chair of being professionally coiffed and primped, they would leave feeling more beautiful.  They sat down, got inner and outer attention and acknowledgment, and left feeling wonderful and radiating more beauty.

The noticeable thing about a woman who feels beautiful is that she carries herself differently.  She smiles more, is conscious of her body and how she’s holding herself, and looks others in the eye with confidence.  A woman can take herself from invisible to queen in minutes just by carrying herself with poise.

Sometimes a woman would come in with her hair an absolute mess, and the transformational mix of hair color, cut and styling would be stunning.  Seeing her transformed physical appearance would shift her emotions about herself and then her self esteem would soar.  At other times a woman whose physicality was breathtakingly beautiful would sit down for me to work on her, and inside of ten minutes her negative attitude would literally change my perception of her and she would appear considerably less attractive bordering on ugly.

It’s up to us how we use the power we have in our hands as women.  We don’t have to wait for someone to tell us how gorgeous we are (although it never hurts!).  We can do it ourselves.  Also, we have the choice of whether to slip into something sexy, touch up our lipstick, and dab on some perfume or simply carry ourselves as if we own the room with the magnetic secret between our thighs.  Beauty is not an either/or proposition…it is an exciting blend of both that we have access to at any time.

What Women Desire In A Man

June 25, 2010

Lately people have been asking me to give men an idea of how to relate to women.  In their words, they want to learn how to treat a Goddess.  I’ve put some thought into it for quite a while, and have come up with some basic pointers that I think every woman out there would appreciate, and that would also make a huge difference for men who are really trying to figure women out.

  1. Your Unique Gift. Knowing what your own gift is, what you bring to the world is a complete turn on for an intelligent woman.  If you are clear about what your strengths are, and have a desire to bring this gift to the world for the upliftment and betterment of the world as a whole, you are scoring some big points in the attractiveness sector.  For a woman to respect and admire the man she is with, there has to be something that he contributes to the world that is larger than the relationship.
  2. Acknowledgment. They want to be acknowledged deeply.  Learning to see a woman’s innate unique gift, and how to acknowledge her for it will be like a breath of fresh air for any woman who’s been waiting her whole life for a man with this ability.  A woman blossoms before your eyes when you shower her with genuine and authentic appreciation.  
  3. Trust. Most women are taught to be careful and safe around men…and for good reason!  There are too many predators out there taking advantage of unwitting women, and so knowing how to build trust with a woman is KEY.  Keep your word,  treat her with great respect, behave like a gentleman with good manners, and show her that you are caring for her in small ways.  Look out for her safety.  Also, if you’re going to be late, have the good sense to call ahead and let her know.  Imagine how you would want your daughter, if you had one,  to be treated by a man, and aspire to treat the woman you’re with with that same care.
  4. Connection. Women want a strong man who is self assured and has high confidence and self worth…who knows how to connect with her on an emotional and intuitive level.  This takes some practice for some men in active listening, repeating some of the things she says when she is expressing her emotions, and looking into her eyes.  It requires a type of listening where you are not thinking of what you are going to say next, but rather memorizing what she is saying so that you could repeat it back word for word…it’s hard work.  Trust me that if you can repeat back some of the important points of what she is saying, not only will she feel deeply heard, but you will find that you’re hearing things that you would never have heard about her.  You’ll be hearing things that will tell you how she wants to be treated, and this goes a long way in learning the road map to her devotion to you.
  5. Sense of Humor. A sincere appreciation of the joy and humor in life, and the ability to laugh at yourself without behaving like a child is key to finding a great partner and especially key to a lasting and joy filled relationship.  The kind of humor you display is crucial, as gross or sarcastic humor is highly undesirable.  These reveal immaturity and an unkind spirit, both of which don’t build respect or admiration.  Endearing humor is so healing, and a man who can lighten a situation by bringing the levity of gentle wit or happy humor is a gift.  Studies show that couples who laugh together stay together.
  6. Sensuality. Notice I didn’t say sexuality.  This is perhaps the most important thing to be aware of with a woman.  If a man jumps to crude sexual overtures too fast, he will receive either a strong slap or the woman will simply disappear, leaving you to wonder why she doesn’t respond to your texts.   Women operate in a completely opposite way from men when it comes to sexuality, and so the way to romance yourself into her embrace is to start from a distance with subtlety and plenty of time, very gently working your way towards her as she relaxes more and more into the security and safety of your authentic caring.  Understand that her whole body and soul are sensual zones.  A woman is a walking nerve ending whose purpose is pleasure, and if you simply focus on grabbing the most centrally arousing points first,  you will send her into sensory overload, otherwise displayed as repulsion, fear, discomfort, and withdrawal.  A sexual encounter in a committed relationship begins 48 hours in advance, with flowers and romance!  Imagine how much longer it takes in a new dating situation.  Just the way a man holds a woman’s hand can be foreplay, and this cannot be overstated.  Take your time and relish the experiences that lead to the culmination of love and trust built over time.  I realize that this is a new way of approaching sex in this day and age, but would you rather have a microwaved take out dinner or a skillfully crafted, five course gourmet meal?  Quality over quantity ensures longevity, and you can quote me.  Be the king she has been waiting for…the one who recognizes and compliments her inner queen.

Of course, there is so much more to explain and various ways to practice these skills.  Most importantly is not to approach all of this with a feeling of having failed thus far.  When women are empowered and taught how to express what they want, men don’t have to guess and they can come out winning.  The point is that for far too long, women have been told from a very young age not to engage with their sensual natures, and so they often don’t even know how to express what will feel good.  It is no one’s fault, and we can start from where we are right now.

If we can all be patient with each other and begin to learn new ways of engaging, open ourselves up to greater levels of compassion and hope, and approach relationships with authentic respect, the whole world will heal.  I believe that what women desire in a man is well within reach for most men, and that once the trust and respect are in place, relationships have a bright future.


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