Posts Tagged ‘Men’

All Those Lonely Men

December 15, 2017

lonely man

 

“This is for all the lonely people.”
I saw an elderly woman in a waiting room the other day. She was having a great time chatting everyone up. At first, people were giving her the side-eye, wondering if she was normal or a bit crazy, talking to all those strangers as if she were there friend.
Soon, though, one person began to warm up to her and responded, and they started talking. Others looked curious.
After a while, everyone was smiling and relaxing more in their chairs.
The scenario struck me as familiar in how I tend to move through the world, fortunate to have been raised by a mother who treated everyone as if they were her children. She was outgoing and friendly, and really didn’t think anything of talking to people around her. With that role model ( and often included in the conversations as a child) I find that I am the same way.


During this holiday season, it saddens me to think of so many who have no one to celebrate with, or who are experiencing such deep loss or suffering that the celebrations around them only seem to compound the loneliness.


I heard yesterday from Dr. Christiane Northrup who was doing a video, that men are 4% more likely to commit suicide, and 50% of men do not have a single close friend to talk to (from the Mask of Masculinity by Louis Howes).

It was quite shocking to me, that number.  I began to think about how much easier it seems for many women to create community around themselves, with that gatherer mentality. So I’m wanting to encourage men to reach out if they’re feeling isolated.
I have the honor of men writing to me, in my line of work, who are sincerely expressing their feelings and transparently tell me of their struggles. I feel especially humbled that they courageously risk and reach out, in a culture that does not encourage emotional transparency in males.
I opened my work to men recently, because although women’s empowerment has been my focus, I now realize that my original purpose of healing the feminine does not preclude men, but includes the feminine in all of us.
This morning, I’m thinking about how all of us, men and women, can stretch a little further into reaching out with caring and sensitivity to others during the holidays.
After all, we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Would love to hear from you in the comments.  What are some ways that you reach out or don’t reach out, and

~ Goddess Oceana

www.GoddessOceana.com

https://www.facebook.com/GoddessOceana/

Are You Giving it Away and Ignoring Your Fabulosity?

July 11, 2012

Away for a long weekend and catching up after five days without blogging….oh my.  This morning I had a major epiphany.  Not a small one, mind you, but a big, huge, fat one.  My beloved and I share our morning cuppa over a daily inspirational reading and a few minutes of prayer and meditation to give our day a combined crystal launching off.

This morning was a bit different.  We started having this amazing conversation that is similar to many we’ve had over the past 20-something years about his business, his current challenges and wins, and the extraordinary day to day occurrences of being the CEO of a startup company that’s been chosen in the top hundred of worldwide startups for mentorship with the most elite investors on the east coast.  The conversation usually starts with interesting minutia, often leads into a challenge or query, and almost always ends with big smiles, clarity, enthusiasm, and a renewed sense of accomplishment and moving to the next phase.

As a spiritual business coach to many women embarking on opening their own businesses or shifting gears towards ramping up their businesses, this type of conversation comes easily to me.  It’s like breathing, making a sandwich, and finding a new ingredient when the preferred one isn’t available.  I love what I do and am so darn good at it that like many people who are gifted in a certain area of expertise, I take it for granted.

This morning, however, a light went on.  I realized that what comes to me so naturally is not necessarily that easy for someone else.  It dawned on me that I have been coaching my beloved for decades and that he is not female, holistic, or embarking on his own one person service venture like my clients.  He’s been corporate for years, has employees, gives high level presentations, has been a consultant to firms seeking to overhaul the very foundations of how they approach large projects, and is an ambitious, goal oriented, driven, suit wearing, briefcase carrying, highly intelligent male.  (He’s hot, too.)  What dawned on my marble head this morning was that I am a highly skilled leadership coach for men and women who are on the cutting edge of worldwide paradigm busting entrepreneurial ventures.  What sets me apart from the typical leadership coach is an incredible thirty years of training in various spiritual and energetic modalities that shift and transform blocks and patterns that keep people stuck, catapulting them into the success they desire, thereby saving them from years of frustration and failure.  Whoa, right?!

What are your gifts, and what have you been hiding from yourself in order to stay small and comfy?  What comes so naturally to you that you don’t even consider it a skill?  Who have you been helping in your life in ways that you don’t acknowledge?  Where in your life are people thriving and so much better due to a little something you gave them that was almost effortless on your part, or even really, really fun?

Goddess Oceana

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What’s The Big Deal About Gratitude?

December 11, 2010

There’s a lot of talk about gratitude these days, from Oprah to books on the subject, to whole courses on the topic.  I have wondered if I could define the role gratitude plays in happiness, and until now I was confused about how to explain it.

A long time ago,  I did a course where a piece of our homework for one month was to write a thousand gratitudes.  I wrote and I wrote, and then I found myself stymied, thinking that I had run out of them after a few hundred.  It occurred to me that there were things so small that I took for granted, like eyelashes or pebbles, and for a few pages my list became hyper-focused on the tiniest stuff of life.

An amazing thing happened as I continued with the process…you’ve probably guessed it…I began to see my life through new eyes.  Every thing from the fact that I could breathe to the glass in my windows, from someone saying good morning to having a clean sheet of paper to write on…it all began to take on a new and incredible magic.  What was once neglected was suddenly my reason for rejoicing, and my joy grew.  My appreciation of life grew, and the appreciation was seemingly contagious.  People smiled at me more, gifts came my way, and money began to flow into my life more easefully.

It wasn’t all rosy, though.  There were still the things in life that irritated me, the people that annoyed or upset me, and the physical maladies that can sometimes plague us all.  But through my practice of gratitude, these upsetting parts of life became more tolerable, more manageable, and passed more quickly.

It is truly a practice, this thing called gratitude.  It’s not our normal training as humans to look for the good, to find a reason to be ecstatic, or to see a challenge or tragedy as cause for celebration.  It’s a discipline for someone seeking mastery or enlightenment.

Mastery and enlightenment require a diligence in the face of contraction from aliveness.  Breathing, which is the energy of the life force animating the flesh suits we acquire at birth, is excellent training for this practice of enlightenment.  We breathe in…expand into life and love…and we exhale…contracting into the letting go of life, or dying…expanding and contracting.  Our very existence trains us to be masters of many things including non-attachment.  Gratitude for life would mean gratitude for ALL of it…not just the so called “good things” we can weed out of the mundane we tend to focus on, but even what we may deem “bad” or “undesirable”.

My gratitudes began to take a turn somewhere in the middle towards the end of a thousand.  I found that I wasn’t just grateful for the people who made me smile and feel warm and fuzzy, but I was downright on my knees grateful for those who pissed me off, who irritated my expectations, and who reflected the parts of myself I’d rather not look at.  I was grateful for pain…which had previously been something I avoided at all costs…because pain let me know I was alive, and pain was such a fantastic backdrop for pleasure.  I was grateful for the all of life, not just the tiny gratitudes that had poured from  my pen in a desperate attempt to complete the assignment.  My journey of a thousand gratitudes did not stop that year…or ever.  I carry that particular gratitude exercise, given to me by a true master of enlightenment, to this day with a profound gratitude to her and to the lessons of living life with my heart wide open.

Connection As The New Trend

November 5, 2010

Women tend to seek intimacy in relationships because it’s how we are wired biologically.  One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that they can’t seem to connect with their partners at a deep level that satisfies this longing enough.  They tell me that all men want is sex, but they want the romance, the love, and the sensitivity to come first.

It all makes perfect sense that they are telling me this!  Nature sure has a sense of humor when it comes to males and females.  Men are wired to procreate first, find intimacy second.  They will visually seek the hardiest, most physically appealing mate because it assures that our race will endure.  Women actually have this instinct as well, but because they’re the ones who raise the offspring, historically, they are wired for relationship and bonding to ensure the community will assist them in this daunting endeavor.  It really does take a village.

The tides are turning, however, and the age of a strong and healthy feminine essence is at hand.  All over the world, women are beginning to feel a pull, an often uncanny urge towards the earth, their sisters, and their finally true purpose.  Men are feeling it too, and my intuition tells me that it’s the feminine side of themselves they are hearing tap, tap, tap on their heart’s inner knowing.

The good news for all of us is that intimate connection is the newest and latest longing.  Women may have always desired it, but in our age of screens, commercialism, domestication gone haywire, and media conditioning to violence as normal…it is the holes in our souls that everyone is longing to fill now.  The crazy fear frenzy of the news channels, the overly caricatured hyped up sitcoms, and the fast and furious onslaught of material overload has proven not to fill this void.  People are longing for one thing above all others, and that one thing is meaningful connection.  It can be translated into spiritual fulfillment, a deep purpose that serves the higher good of humanity, and many other great words, but in  my opinion it boils down to basic human connection.

We can find it by turning off the screens, sitting still in the quiet, refusing to answer the phone every single time it rings, and active listening, for starters.  The gift of true connection is one that is unforgettable, and that impacts in a way that ripples in its healing effect.  How many times have you felt truly and deeply heard?  I venture to say that you remember those few times vividly as precious in your life.

A relationship is its own being, a unique energy body that needs feeding, attention, and love.  To be in service to this relationship energy body is the best way that I know of to hone the art of commitment and growth…not very romantic stuff, but crucial to the creation of romance.  In other words, we must build a foundation of connection, deep listening, commitment to growth, and commitment to the entity of the relationship to even begin to expect the next level of true and lasting romance to enter the picture.

 

The practice of connection in our intimate relationships requires complete and full attention to each other.  It requires distraction free space, and a commitment to set aside our own agendas for the larger entity of the relationship. The best place to begin is with the tried and true exercise of taking turns being heard and listening, repeating back what you heard to each other verbatim.  Eye gazing is another fabulous way to build intimacy and connection, and specifically gazing at each other’s left eyes works best, according to behavior specialists.  Another thing to keep in mind is that women need romance first to feel a deep and romantic connection, and men need oxytocin from sex to feel a loving bond.  This is a quandary indeed!  I suggest some give and take here, and especially for women to begin to speak to what they need, find ways to relieve stress, and nurture themselves before trying to give more.  Exquisite self care is crucial before a woman can relax into all that a man has to give her. Connection is multi-faceted, but it’s the foundation of what will heal our world, our relationships, and our lives.  Of this I am convinced.

What Women Desire In A Man

June 25, 2010

Lately people have been asking me to give men an idea of how to relate to women.  In their words, they want to learn how to treat a Goddess.  I’ve put some thought into it for quite a while, and have come up with some basic pointers that I think every woman out there would appreciate, and that would also make a huge difference for men who are really trying to figure women out.

  1. Your Unique Gift. Knowing what your own gift is, what you bring to the world is a complete turn on for an intelligent woman.  If you are clear about what your strengths are, and have a desire to bring this gift to the world for the upliftment and betterment of the world as a whole, you are scoring some big points in the attractiveness sector.  For a woman to respect and admire the man she is with, there has to be something that he contributes to the world that is larger than the relationship.
  2. Acknowledgment. They want to be acknowledged deeply.  Learning to see a woman’s innate unique gift, and how to acknowledge her for it will be like a breath of fresh air for any woman who’s been waiting her whole life for a man with this ability.  A woman blossoms before your eyes when you shower her with genuine and authentic appreciation.  
  3. Trust. Most women are taught to be careful and safe around men…and for good reason!  There are too many predators out there taking advantage of unwitting women, and so knowing how to build trust with a woman is KEY.  Keep your word,  treat her with great respect, behave like a gentleman with good manners, and show her that you are caring for her in small ways.  Look out for her safety.  Also, if you’re going to be late, have the good sense to call ahead and let her know.  Imagine how you would want your daughter, if you had one,  to be treated by a man, and aspire to treat the woman you’re with with that same care.
  4. Connection. Women want a strong man who is self assured and has high confidence and self worth…who knows how to connect with her on an emotional and intuitive level.  This takes some practice for some men in active listening, repeating some of the things she says when she is expressing her emotions, and looking into her eyes.  It requires a type of listening where you are not thinking of what you are going to say next, but rather memorizing what she is saying so that you could repeat it back word for word…it’s hard work.  Trust me that if you can repeat back some of the important points of what she is saying, not only will she feel deeply heard, but you will find that you’re hearing things that you would never have heard about her.  You’ll be hearing things that will tell you how she wants to be treated, and this goes a long way in learning the road map to her devotion to you.
  5. Sense of Humor. A sincere appreciation of the joy and humor in life, and the ability to laugh at yourself without behaving like a child is key to finding a great partner and especially key to a lasting and joy filled relationship.  The kind of humor you display is crucial, as gross or sarcastic humor is highly undesirable.  These reveal immaturity and an unkind spirit, both of which don’t build respect or admiration.  Endearing humor is so healing, and a man who can lighten a situation by bringing the levity of gentle wit or happy humor is a gift.  Studies show that couples who laugh together stay together.
  6. Sensuality. Notice I didn’t say sexuality.  This is perhaps the most important thing to be aware of with a woman.  If a man jumps to crude sexual overtures too fast, he will receive either a strong slap or the woman will simply disappear, leaving you to wonder why she doesn’t respond to your texts.   Women operate in a completely opposite way from men when it comes to sexuality, and so the way to romance yourself into her embrace is to start from a distance with subtlety and plenty of time, very gently working your way towards her as she relaxes more and more into the security and safety of your authentic caring.  Understand that her whole body and soul are sensual zones.  A woman is a walking nerve ending whose purpose is pleasure, and if you simply focus on grabbing the most centrally arousing points first,  you will send her into sensory overload, otherwise displayed as repulsion, fear, discomfort, and withdrawal.  A sexual encounter in a committed relationship begins 48 hours in advance, with flowers and romance!  Imagine how much longer it takes in a new dating situation.  Just the way a man holds a woman’s hand can be foreplay, and this cannot be overstated.  Take your time and relish the experiences that lead to the culmination of love and trust built over time.  I realize that this is a new way of approaching sex in this day and age, but would you rather have a microwaved take out dinner or a skillfully crafted, five course gourmet meal?  Quality over quantity ensures longevity, and you can quote me.  Be the king she has been waiting for…the one who recognizes and compliments her inner queen.

Of course, there is so much more to explain and various ways to practice these skills.  Most importantly is not to approach all of this with a feeling of having failed thus far.  When women are empowered and taught how to express what they want, men don’t have to guess and they can come out winning.  The point is that for far too long, women have been told from a very young age not to engage with their sensual natures, and so they often don’t even know how to express what will feel good.  It is no one’s fault, and we can start from where we are right now.

If we can all be patient with each other and begin to learn new ways of engaging, open ourselves up to greater levels of compassion and hope, and approach relationships with authentic respect, the whole world will heal.  I believe that what women desire in a man is well within reach for most men, and that once the trust and respect are in place, relationships have a bright future.


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